Clever Darling
Yesterday was pretty simple, animals, english homework (yes, I did homework on Boxing Day, sue me), animals, sleeps.

Guess what what what what what what????
D's home today :D The sad thing is, I lose my puppies...:'(

What else............................^.^................Nope, nuttin'. Guess I'll go to D's then. Toodles.
Clever Darling
Thursday aka Christmas Eve

I woke up. Shocker. Then I walked into town with my mother, having decided that the driveway was just beyond use. Wandered around some shops, nothing exciting. Then to D's for the first of my animal excursions. Now I know that feed the puppies, give the puppies milk substitute, give the puppies clean bedding, play with the puppies, clean up after the puppies as they make mess, feed the two collies, water the two collies, feed the basset, water the basset, feed and water the rabbits, chickens, ducks, pig and cats doesn't seem like a lot for one person, but I have to say it's rather tiring to do all that in a rush when you've got dad looming over you going: are you done yet? No father dear, I am not done yet, and could you please remove that feline from my leg whilst I clean up this puppy crap and disentangle my shoelaces from this puppy for the fifth time. Nah, it's really fun to have the puppies mostly to myself :D

Friday aka Christmas

Well...wake up, eat salmon and cream cheese on bagels (hom nom nom nom), open presents (rubbish really, because I got a laptop from my mum and sister and they're the only ones that get me decent pressies, so I got a blank a4 notebook, the kind that has grey pages, some biros and some what look like second or third hand earrings from my crazy grandma, a hot water bottle, which is better than it sounds because my room is freezing, from my mum, some noise cancellation headphones I'll probably give to mum from dad, couple of books, a new diary, some rather delicious tea from D...erm...little bit o cash...). Then to D's for animal excursion 1, then home, then shower and get dressed in time for guests, then christmas lunch, then back to D's for excursion 2, then home, then trivial pursuit and socialising, then sleeps. uhuh.
Clever Darling
Tuesday was spent primarily reading the rest of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which I found mildly amusing but it got a bit boring as the series wore on to be honest. Then last night and today I read Lord of the Flies, which I found to be very interesting and rich in ideas for a fairly short novel. Now I shall let my book list choose my reading material...

Looks like...American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. I'll let you know.

In other news:D's buggered off to Stoke for four days, so I'm D-less. And...that's about it really....the puppies are mine, all mine!MWAHAHAH
Clever Darling
I'm bored and procrastinating about my schoolwork, so, for your sexy amusement:

Check this out: http://www.safenow.org/
It makes me giggle every time I look at it. I now know and understand that That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there. I don't have a closet.

And...this one. It amuses me. Make sure you go alll the way to the bottom.

Now, I shall eat some soup!!!
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Clever Darling
He's sexy isn't he? Due to adverse weather conditions at the moment he gets to come inside for playtime. Still tiny, stil fluffy, and he must be around 9 months old by now. Beelzebub, gorgeous little creature...
What you can't see in this photo is the claws. They're like, a cm long, into a point. Just sitting in my hand he causes little puncture marks that nearly break the skin. The teeth do break the skin. The red eyes, the inherent evil...only I could love such a creature :D
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Clever Darling
Caught up as I was earlier in literature I forgot to mention the weird dream I had last night:

I had to go back to my hometown (Hastings) to marry someone in some weird arranged marriage but I wasn't that upset about it because they were royalty and it meant I'd never have to work in my life. So I had to go up this really steep set of stairs with a balloon to get married. So I did, but I never met the guy I was marrying. Anyway, so it was over, I came back down, and then went to this dinner with the two new families. Once we got there I realised that it was in fact an old school friend that I'd married, so it really wasn't too bad at all, since I'd started to worry about it. Anyway, so we instantly felt rather comfortable and then this marriage celebration party carried on, and it involved some kind of bingo where the males went off seperate from the females, but I kept getting bored and going off to find my husband, and making him lose by distracting him (even in dreams I'm evil). Anyway, at some point here it weirdly switched to a dream I'm sure I've had before involving a Lord of the Rings style stampede of ents, sitting under a bridge eating lunch provided by Tom Bombadil, and then coming back to the house where the wedding party was to yell at Merry and Pippin for eating everyone's lunch.

Yeah, I'm cool huh? Point is, that in the dream, once I realised that this new husband was someone I knew and could trust completely, I felt really content. Which felt nice :D
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Clever Darling
I have achieved much! And it's only14:32. I got out of bed (WOW). I watched a bit of 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' (if you've never seen it, watch it, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie almost fresh out of uni, when their comical genius was just developing). Then I wrote like, one paragraph on my English Coursework. That might not seem like much, but I'm doing it bit by bit and it's working well. THEN I finished The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood.

That woman has got to be my favourite author. Her works range from post-apocalyptic and futuristic to crime and social novels set in past Canada. Basically, she's just an all round amazing author. Year of the Flood is the sequel to Oryx and Crake, more or less the same time period told from a different point of view. Ok, so it's not as good as O and C, but more happens, and it widens out the world view and explains loads about the characters and the connections and back story and it's just pretty damn fantastic really.

Of course, now I've finally finished that, I need to pick something else to read. So, what's on my virtual reading list?
We could go for A Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy, a witty and amusing film, should be a good read. Or...some Philip K Dick, futuristic but perhaps too predictable...Lord of the Flies? Catch-22? To Kill a Mockingbird? Animal Farm? Midnight's Children? Long Walk to Freedom? So many books, so little decision...
Clever Darling
I haven't been neglecting you, I've just been...busy. MWAHAHA.

Tuesday......
I don't think Tuesday was that interesting to be completely honest...Went to college...My 5ft tall Londoner Philosophy teacher was shocked to discover that some girls in the class were so scared of him that they wouldn't ask him for help. Twas tres amusant. Spent Maths skipping in the corridors and singing Queen...That pretty much covers it I think.

Wednesday...
Again, college. This time...erm...oh yeah, it was cake day. So I made a cake and then my friends ate it. It was very icing-y but rather crumbly, more milk/less flour next time methinks. It came out crap because I wasn't angry you see ;) Then I THINK I had D here in the evening but memory is fuzzy on that one...

Thursday...
Fluffy wet stuff started falling from the sky, females all over college started screaming and jumping up and down, overall a fun day.

Friday...
Last day of term cancelled due to snow, thankyou very much, no Classics with devil woman :D Walked into town, tried to build igloo, D killed igloo, lunch in starbucks, walk home in rather a lot of fluffy white stuff falling from sky, D stayed.

Saturday...
Sledding for short time in housing estate down the road. I have a rather epic sled fro when I was 7 or so, it's got brakes and you can steer it and everything, but there aren't many hills round here, and just as I settled into a nice one I had to come home because I forgot my house key.

I've also written nearly a whole A4 page of my English Coursework already (bet you haven't even started have you Nathaniel? :P) and intend to have it done by Christmas. I'd also like to get my Philosophy essay done by then but that might be pushing it.
Clever Darling
So, let's discuss life.

Yesterday we won't bother to discuss. It involved sitting in a car a lot, and visiting my nan, my sister, my grandma and my aunt and uncle before sitting in a car some more, grabbing a happy meal, and coming home. Oh, and I yelled at Dad because he changed the radio channel just as Number One started playing in favour of Don't Speak, which is just plain shit.

Today, well, as you might have noticed, I'm not at college. That's because I'm lying on my sofa. That's right children, Lorren's sick again. This time however, it shouldn't be an enduring illness, thanks to the amount of vitamins being pumped into me every day now :D I suppose it could have been that happy meal...bastards.

So...today I shall work on my English coursework (I hope), sleep, and wait for everyone to get home so I can find out what I missed in Maths and Philosophy. Classics I won't miss anything important so I worry not. Philosophy will have been an Ed lecture on something (I hope, if today is christmas I'll be so angry), and Maths will be maths, so it shouldn't be that bad.
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Clever Darling
Friday
What happened Friday...let us consider for a moment.
I went to college...I had first lesson, then I had fourth. So I spent pretty much my entire day sitting in the basement doing nothing much really. It was nice and warrrrm. And there was much singing and musicking and stuff...
Then I came home. And...what did I do Friday? I don't think it was very much.

Saturday
Woke up, wrote essay, lounged.
Then I had a mild problem...
Basically D's msn fucked up and didn't send the message that said he was coming over. So I went out, and then he came to my house and I wasn't there. And because I was actually out with people for once I got a bit pissy about him calling me up and trying to come and join in. Anyway, then the trains were all delayed and he was there as I got off the train. So he came back to Leo's for a bit, which was, odd. Since D hates Leo...anyway, then D went home and I followed shortly after, once Leo's mum had painted my nails (Don't ask, she's crazy and she damn well loves me). So that was my Saturday...

Today I'm off down to Hastings to visit all the family and deliver their xmas presents. Which is a bit of a shit way to spend a Sunday...BUT what can one do.
Clever Darling
Tuesday

I went to college, yup. Then I got the train to D's, and we just spent the whole time I was there in the dark listening to music. Twas nice.

Wednesday

Crawled out of bed and decided for once I was actually going to get dressed properly for college (as opposed to just throwing some clothes on). Hello new shiny buckle boots. Hello mild foot pain. Hello sexy legs. First and second were pretty standard, wrote an essay on Cicero's rise to the consulship in my free third, and lunch was pretty damn amazing. Ben managed to embarass himself amazingly, thought the two girls behind him were his friends, so he turned around and went BOO really loudly, then realised he didn't know them, and had to go hide in a corner to hide his shame :D Liz has a growing problem in that Will quite obviously fancies her and she's not at all interested (even if her bf is a total twat). Here comes the minor life issue. NO COMMENTS ON THIS. I may have, just a little bit, have had some gin mixed in with Lilt that Leo (that's Psycho's new name) had. And then I may have sat through my whole fourth period (philosophy) with bright pink cheeks. I had to tell people it was my skin lol. It wasn't an important lesson or anything, I already knew what we were covering. But D kinda flipped out about it (yeah, he's the responsible one now apparently) because he said I could get kicked out of Hills (if they do a breathaliser test?) and it wasn't safe because Leo was there etc etc. I was surrounded by my sobber friends, and I was just pink and giggly, not drunk. But anyway, D got pissed off, cue argument etc etc and that was my yesterday.
Clever Darling
My arm muscles hurts :( Hehe.

One other thing from yesterday: seagulls around here taste like strepsils, but if you go up to Hunstanton, they taste like chips.

Waterbeach is made from cardboard, and the seagulls peck at the buildings, naughty things, and the horses are actually sheep on stilts.

Yup.
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Clever Darling
I had this really good idea for a blog post walking to the train station and now I've totally forgotten it {:(

Today wasn't a bad day. Liz and I wandered over to tescos and bought a picnic consisting of one pot of strawberry jelly (37p), one packet of hobnobs, plain (31p), one tube of pringles, ready salted (99p), then to essentials for one bar of galaxy, plain (£1), total: £1.34 each. For a picnic that's pretty damn good. Then we realised once back at college that we had no spoon for the jelly. The answer? Use first pringles, then, in a stroke of genius, hobnobs, to spoon out the jelly. Twas a good lunch.

My Classics presentation also went really well, you'll be glad to hear. I only laughed once and since that was about tying men to sheep I thought it was justified.

In half an hour I shall be going swimming. Yes, you heard me, swimming. Physical activity, me. I know, weird, right? But I've been meaning to go loads, and just haven't had the time or stabiity of health. Tonight I have no homework and I'm feeling healthier, so I'm going swimming for an hour, since it's free. If I can do that once a week, I'll get fitter, my tutor will be happy (she nags about physical outside of school activity because it looks good on your uni application form, as if I'm not doing enough already) AND I likes the swimmings :D Consider the abdominal tonage ;)
Clever Darling
I think the reason that Twilight is so attractive is that is so easy for us to apply to our lives. I despise obsession of the sort that the Twilight girls have, and I refuse to associate with it, but the pliot itself is something else entirely...

Because what teenage girl doesn't have an Edward who she would give everything for? Who's never found themself in a world where they don't feel secure, where they know nobody? I imagine a lot of people have a Jacob, someone they love but can never love that much.

The appeal of Twilight is that we all want the happy ending. We all want to go through those trials, and still have him there at our side at the end, forever.

But Bella and Edward are soulmates, and they don't exist in real life. Vampires, of course, aren't real, nor are guardian werewolves. The line between reality and fiction is almost a painful transition, to accept that reality is harder, reality doesn't contain an Edward Cullen, or an eternity. We all have a limited time to find someone, from among millions, and then we die.
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Clever Darling
Today = fail.

Got to college, got my place on the trip to Greece in March (win, not fail), then forgot about my tutor meeting and showed up ten minutes late. Told her my train was late, she snapped at me and tried to close the fucking door in my face, bitch. Then I was generally feeling shit for the rest of the day due to having a cold and being bored and blegh. Then I came home and realised I have shitloads of work to do and did some but now I can't be fucked to do anymore and I found out that two of my three lessons tomorrow are cancelled so I have to go in for one hour, which will still take three hours of my life, to have a lesson with a teacher I hate, or not go in, and have even more issues with evil bitch form tutor >:(

ARGH
Clever Darling
Monday
College. Blegh. However, I did finish half an hour early, which meant I got home nearly an hour early, wich meant I got quite a bit of work done.

Tuesday
College. Blegh. Signed up to do the level 3 extended project, which means basically another AS for Lorren. I reckon that if I have to waste an hour a week working I may as well get a scattering of UCAS points for it. Then I went to D's and had an exceptionally good evening. Obviously you don't want to know details but we had about two hours alone together in the dark before anybody got home. And then there were puppies too, so yayness.

Wednesday
College. Blegh. Last lesson cancelled, extra time with D :D Downside was that we had to sit around for ages and wait for Dad to escape from his meeting :( Then we played lego star wars for like three hours hehe.
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Clever Darling
Thursday

Had my progress reviews. No problems but I somehow need to work harder if I want to get A's.

Friday

Finished college at 11:15 because of cancelled lessons. Went home, played on the Wii and did sod all. It was quite nice really. Then D came here in the evening and we went to the light switch on, which was a bit rubbish because they didn't manage to get anyone famous or anything. Then met my dad at the pub, grabbed some takeaway and came home.

Then had an argument with the parents about what we were going to do in London on Saturday, which resulted in no conclusion.

Then I stole D and used him to heat up my freezing cold bed before sending him away to sleep in another room. Mwahahh.

Saturday

Got coach to London. Dad made us walk from Hyde park to Harrods and go around Harrods, which was painfully depressing because we have no money and there's all these lovely expensive things everywhere and designers and shiny things.

Then we got on a tube, which was more crowded than I've ever seen them before, to Leicester Square, and realised conclusively that there was absolutely no way that we could get tickets to a show that late. I spent four months looking forward to going to a show. I was not happy.

In the end went to see Christmas Carol in 3D because Dad wanted to. The 3D glasses just made my eyes hurt without making anything 3D and if I took them off my eyes hurt even more because the picture was all fuzzy.

Then we went to the Christmas Market in Hyde Park, which would have been good if it wasn't for the freezing rain, me not having a hat, and the lack of shelter. Still got a nice cookie with 'I love you' on it that D got me. Then got on the coach (which was late) and came home. Spent the whole way back freezing to death, as soon as I'd walked in the door I got into bed with three quilts and a hot water bottle and I was still cold.

Sunday

Went Christmas shopping...kinda...in a Tesco Superstore because Dad couldn't be bothered to drive further. Got dropped at D's on the way home. Somehow ended up on D's bed with candles lit...Played with puppies and D cooked salmon (that I bought, btw, you owe me money for the cream and chives that you didn't use...) for me, then I came home and realised that I'd done none of my homework over the weekend which means I'm going to have to do it all tonight which makes me sad.
Clever Darling
GENERAL
1. Whats your real name - Wulfric The Cleaver of Sunderland
2. Nicknames - Wully
3. Relationship Status - desperately in love
4. Zodiac sign - aquarius
5. Male or female - female
6. Primary School? - too many to list
7. Secondary School - several, thanks
8. Sixth Form - Hills Road - Where they suck out your soul
10. Hair color - Fading ginger back to dark blonde
11. Long or short - too long
15. Are you health freak - no
16. Height - people tell me I'm short. They lie
17. Do you have a crush on someone? - Does me count?
18: What do you like about yourself? - My left ankle
19. Piercings - two in each ear
20. Tattoos- no
21. Righty or lefty - righty

LASTS:
22. last beverage - mexican lime squash, which sounds much more impressive than it tastes
23. last phone call - D
. last text message - my mum
24. last song you listened to - Orff: Carmina Burana - Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi: O Fortuna. Yeah, stick that in your pipe and smoke it
25. last time you cried - the other night when I woke up from a nightmare already crying

FIRSTS :
26. First surgery - never
27. First piercing - ears
28. First best friend - a girl called lizzy from my playgroup
29. First sport you joined - track (i know, i dont believe it either, but its true)
30. First pet - black and white cat.
31. First vacation - florida
32. First concert - aaron carter
33. First crush - i think it was a guy called sam in my year 1 class lol
34. First love - me obviously.

HAVE YOU EVER:
35. dated someone twice - yes lol
36. cheated on someone? - ...only with girls?
37. kissed someone & regretted it? - i guess kissing girls, it seems to piss D off
38. lost someone special? - nobody comes to mind
39. been depressed? - yes
40. been drunk and threw up? not quite

LAST/THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
41. Made a new friend - yes
42. Fallen in love - yes
43. Laughed until you cried - no. not much of a year for laughter to be honest, on balance
44. Met someone who changed you – yes
45. Found out who your true friends are - yes
46. Found out someone was talking about you - yes
47. Kissed anyone on your friend's list - yes

YOU:
48. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life - all of them i think
49. How many kids do you want to have - ask D ;)
50. Do you have any pets - yes, thanks. one wants to eat me and the other one...wants to eat me.
51. Do you want to change your name - to what?
52. What did you do for your last birthday - my actual birthday i spent at my then boyfriend's house, after wading through the snow to get there, a few days after he'd announced that he was bisexual (ie gay). Glad you asked?
53. What time did you wake up today - 6:35
54. What were you doing at midnight last night - asleep
55. Name something you CANNOT wait for - Some time off college
56. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - where my house is
57. What are you listening to right now - Razzle Dazzle - Chicago
58. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - yes
59. What's getting on your nerves right now - D can't get his laptop working
60. Most visited webpage - facebook

CURRENTLY
61. Eating - nothing yet, awaiting dinner
62. Drinking - squash
63. I'm about to - read something i expect
64. Listening to - Famous Last Words - My chem
65. Waiting to - see D tomorrow :D

YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? - not hugely
67. Want to get married? - i think so
68. Career? - law/politics

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? :
69. Lips or eyes - eyes
70. Hugs or kisses - hugs, but only just
71. Shorter or taller - a little bit taller
72. Older or Younger - either
73. Nice stomach or nice arms - both, damnit
74. Sensitive or loud - what's in the middle?
75. Hook-up or relationship - relationship
76. Trouble maker or hesitant - again, find something in the middle you fool. find eudaimonia!

HAVE YOU EVER :
77. Kissed a stranger - only friends of friends etc
78. Drank hard liquor - yes
79. Lost glasses/contacts - no, because i dont wear them
80. Ran away from home - no
81. Broken someone's heart - ive upset some people pretty badly
82. Been arrested - no, i is a good girl
83. Turned someone down - yes
84. Cried when someone died - nobody's died

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
85. Yourself - less so than i used to
86. Miracles - not really.
87. Love at first sight - not really.
88. Heaven - no
89. Santa Claus - completely.
90. Kiss on the first date? - why not
91. Angels - no.

WHO :
92. Is your favourite person? - D.
93. Is/are your best friend? - Excepting D, I guess Liz nowadays.
94. Do you wish you were? - someone richer, more influential than me
95. Do you wish was with you right now? - D

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? D
97. Had more than one Girl/Boyfriend at one time? - that'd be fun, but so damn hard to manage
98. Do you believe in God? - no
99. Where do you work? - my house.
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Clever Darling
My day was going quite well yesterday for a while. I had a tolerable Classics lesson, reasonable Maths, a nice long free period three, then Philosophy, and because the teacher was doing reviews we just sat around and talked the whole time so that was quite cool. But then for Political concepts the teacher decided that we should do this proposal thing and do a vote and then try and get the issue into the paper or something. And at first he said it can be outrageous as you want, but when my friend and I started looking at David Icke (thinks the Queen mother was a satanic, blood drinking lizard alien in disguise, and that the human race was created by these creatures) he said that wasn't serious enough and that we had to do something else. I mean, it's an enrichment for god's sake, nobody gives a shit about producing work. And then I had to get the train home with H and K, both of whom annoy the shit out of me so I sat there staring at the ground with my ipod plugged in the whole way, which is really a bit boring. By the time I got into the station I just wanted to go home, and then D was late coming to get me. And then one of the puppies died. And then I spent about two hours editing my coursework, which I think is about as long as it took me to write it in the first place >:(

Today I have all my progress reviews, which sucks because even though college finishes at 12:40 I have to stay until my last appointment finishes at 2:30 and I find it hard to believe that anything any of my teachers say will be particularly constructive for me personally, rather than being constructive comments that can be generically applied to anyone in the class. I expected this college to be like a university, a proper, energetic and sincere place of learning. Instead it's a military encampment producing Oxbridge soldiers.

And the bad dreams won't stop again.
Clever Darling
24th November: Thing I hate today: people who don't see things in the normal or accepted way. I don't necessarily mean crazy Muslims that blow up tube stations, although that's pretty damn stupid too. I mean normal people in society that have totally out there ideas. I realise this could and probably will come across as hypocritical. But my strong views tend to be about things that are political or social, big concepts that cover lots of topics.

I have a friend at college called Zoe. She is short, has a round face, is fairly thin and wears glasses. She's isn't particularly attractive but she isn't ugly either. The other day a guy hugged her and she was over the moon about it for days. Because she's never had any affection at home, her dad in fact uses her as a role when he's cheating with women half his age, she interprets any affection as deep and she gets hurt. All the time. Repeatedly. She's up and down like a yo-yo on simple comments or smiles. That's maybe cute in some cases, but when she's constantly stuck in 'first love' kind of mode she just damages herself over and over again because she can't see that teenage guys are not in the mode for 'first love'. And it makes me sad.

25th November: I really need to stop having apocalyptic dreams. Last night I dreamt that it was raining acid rain, but instead of acid it was anti-matter. This crazy scientist from a tv show managed to neutralise it and he was my dad in the dream. But you had to have some of this alcohol from a magic self refilling bottle on you before you were safe. So I went over to this massive colonial house where D apparently lives and as per usual his mother refused to listen to me. So I left and went to a shopping mall and tried to ride something that started out as an elephant but became a llama/camel. But it went to sleep so I drove my sister's car down a hill and D got in the way of the steering wheel but I sorted it in the end but I'm not very good at parallel parking. Then there were loads of creature comforts type animals watching scooby doo at a drive in and running along the side of a river to get to this mad scientist guy to get the protection. Then there are all these people down outside the window and they're cheering him but he doesn't know what to say so I thank them for him but then he goes to get a sandwich. Oh, and Stephen Fry was in there at some point.

Conclusion: I need to stop taking LSD before I go to bed.
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Clever Darling
Well. I've had a cold again all this week. Isn't that fascinating? D keeps moaning that I'm not posting but I don't have anything to say. I get up, I go to college, I come home, I see D on good days, I don't on bad days. I do loads of homework and sleep as much as possible. My life.

In other news I finally got my new laptop and it's tiny and shiny and wonderful.

Erm...what else...my dad got a tattoo because his tattoo artist friend is visiting from the states and...we're going to London next weekend for the Christmas fair and for a show :D Excitedness.
Clever Darling
I have decided that I will giggle all the way through my wedding.
It's quite logical you see, the urge to laugh will be there, and I see no reason whatsoever to deny myself the pleasure of laughter at my own wedding, hence the giggling. You could see my sister suppressing it all the way through hers, it was quite funny.

In other news, I have decided to purchase a huge water bottle to replace D on nights where I can't sleep on him. I just hope it doesn't burst when squeezed and is capable of translating strange squeaking (how I speak when sleepy) into English. It may just be easier to clone D than to teach a hot water bottle English AND squeakish, and D is much more protective feeling than a huge bottle of liquid, I expect.

What else...I have a sore throat again. My immune system is so fucked up this year and it's really starting to piss me off.
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Clever Darling
My pain in the arse boyfriend is forcing me to blog when I have nothing to say. So I shall dramatise and make life much more interesting.

Today I made a brief visit to the moon before breakfast (which was pickled ostrich knees), and picked up some cheese and scones from a picnic the silicon based little green moon men were having. Then I made my way to the studio, where I sat for many hours repeatedly saying 'weebles wobble but they don't fall down' on the radio in varying tones and accents. Having collected my paycheck for 67p I made my way to my psychologist's office, for my daily appointment. He told me, as he does every day, that I am morbidly over-sexed and that there is no hope for me whatsoever. I left feeling somewhat disheartened. Having returned home by riding a giant magenta butterfly, I made myself some dinner consisting of small taiwanese lady-boy roasted with garlic and settled down to read Mein Kampf in peace, and consider how easy Hitler had it, and how Nick Griffin is Christ risen again, the saviour of our nation.

Happy now? No? Well, screw you.
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Clever Darling
1. I had a ridiculously weird dream on Tuesday night that involved someone trying to take D away again, last time i had a dream similar to that was when we had that episode in September, whih is therefore very odd.

2. Last night I also had strange dreams about being in a sushi bar and campaigning to stop an old church being torn down. Again, really weird.

3. Yesterday was pretty boring really. College, free, maths homework, bit more college, sit and read the paper, go to Long with D so he could look around for next year, have subway (yum), get train homeward, go to pub quiz with parents, go home, sleep. Nothing extremely exciting.

4. My latest set of minions has entered the world. I am now in posession of 10 bassett hound puppies, I have not yet met them, touched them and claimed them, but I will. Mwahahahaha

That's about it...my last lesson is cancelled today :D AND next week I have wednesday afternoon off and ALL OF THURSDAY. Yay for sleeping. And the week after that I have cancelled lessons in the afternoon for three days but I have reviews so I'm not sure how much time off that will actually amount to.
Clever Darling
When did I last post, er, right Sunday, yes. Yesterday...that was Monday...what happened...I went to college. Had a crap morning because the girl I sit next to in English was driving me fucking nuts, I don't like her in the first place because she has a painfully high pitched voice, dresses like a gypsy and never stops giggling nervously whilst she loudly states her opinions. Anyway, so I try to ignore her because she's just annoying. So there I was, happily ignoring her, when she decides to get out one of my pens, and doodle all over MY coursework questions. FFS, respect personal property??? Stupid anoying bitch...And then it just got shittier because this crazy non-lateral thinking anti-social girl stole my seat in philosophy for no reason, leaving me stuck on the end or the row, alone, with nobody to talk to, when usually I have this really cool guy next to me who's really fun to talk to. ANGER!!

But. Then I found Liz, who I don't know if I've mentioned on here before, but she's becoming a rather good friend. And that made me feel somewhat better, and then I found out I was going to see D last night, so that was very cheer-upping. And then I thought the maths test was quite easy, even better. And I had a muffin XD AND I wasn't flagged in Tutorial so I actually got to go on time, which is pretty damn amazing and I loves it muchly, because normally I have to go to my tutor's office, stand outside with Ben and wait to be interrogated about why I missed lesson x y z (I WAS SICK YOU STUPID BINT!).

AND I didn't do any homework last night and that made me happy and shiny person.

Of course, I have ARC today, which is likely to offset all joyousness, especially since I won't see D tonight either. Alas, not all in life can be well.
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Clever Darling
It's quite surprising how much of a bonding exercise Romania was for us. I think we were pretty close before, but now I don't know if we can get much closer. The sheer feeling of comfort in eachother's presence and the understanding of our personalities...it feels pretty damn intense really, which makes me kind of nostalgic for way back when, like when I first met D, or when we first started going out.

For example, when I first met him he was a kind of grungy-didn't-care-about-anything type who just mucked around all the time and was likeable but not fanciable really. Wore massively gothy clothes, new rocks, AND dead clumsy and sort of stomped around.

When we started going out, less sullen, more relaxed, very flirty, very energetic. Still didn't really care about much, went with anything kind of thing.

And then the change that happened in September, being more grown up, trying to act in a responsible way, working hard for school. Making me feel proud, and hopeful that he would eventually realise his own worth instead of not believing me when I say he's amazing.

The love I feel now would amaze me from two and a half years ago. Every second of the day is worthwhile because he exists. Some moments, like just lying together in silence, or making stupid jokes, kissing, looking at eachother when there are other people around and making them disappear, they couldn't be any more spectacular. Every day we were in Romania one or two of the girls would tell me how much they could see he loves me. And I didn't have anything to say back to them, apart from 'I know.'

Next weekend we will have been together for six months. It feels like he's always been a part of me. And god forbid anybody try to change that because it just doesn't work. I learned that lesson a couple of months ago. It doesn't seem to matter how much we hurt eachother because we know that we don't really mean it, and that causing eachother even the tiniest amount of pain hurts us.

I don't really know why I'm typing all of this out. I don't imagine the people who read this really want to sit and peruse my obsession, maybe it's rude to brag about it? But it's important to me that there are records of things that are important to me that I can look back on. So I can remember clearly lying in the dark with you last night and feeling completely and utterly happy. And waking up in your arms this morning and knowing that everything was still exactly as it should be.

Then again, I don't think I'm likely to forget that I love you.
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Clever Darling
Are you ready for a blog post of epic proportions? You thought I’d forgotten you, didn’t you? Well I didn’t, I was just waiting, biding my time, until I had the opportune moment.

23rd Oct: England – Romania

Left England, flew to Bucharest, got connecting flight to Cluj Napoca, stayed in a hotel. The hotel had many many steps upwards to the rooms, with our suitcases, and we were very tired. Ended up sharing room with seemingly quiet bookwormy girl.

24th Oct: Cluj Napoca – Agnita via Sighisoara

The Romanian students brought us breakfast at the hotel, which was rather nice of them. It was ham and cheese sandwiches. Incidentally, that’s what I had for breakfast every single day we were there. Anyway, then we all got on a bus after some nice Romanian boys helped us get our suitcases down the stairs, and drove for several hours to Sighisoara. The Romanians love to sing on buses. That’s the town where Vlad Tepes, or Vlad the Impaler, who inspired ‘Dracula’ was born. To be honest it wasn’t that impressive. Lots of stone buildings, some nice views from the top of the tower. I felt really sick, so I guess that didn’t help, the whole left side of me went numb, horrible. Then, back on the bus, drive to Agnita, which is where we stayed. The entire town has one hotel. It’s an ex communist block. It’s one star. There are cockroaches in the bathrooms, flies in the rooms and the paint comes off of the walls like chalk. Oh, and the shower in our bathroom was so mould coated we refused to use it.

25th Oct: Orienteering

Sunday we just stayed in Agnita, and went up to the woods to do some orienteering. It was fun, the girl I was with spoke very little English and it’s impressive how far you can get with hand gestures and laughing. We won our section too :) The prizes were a t-shirt each and a wind up torch that the Romanian girl kept, and little certificates. Then we went to the other side of town and back down again on this treasure hunt thing where we had to find out what we could from the people around monuments in order to answer set questions. That was a bit meh, everyone was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Let me take this opportunity to tell you more about Kay. Kay was my roommate. Kay is totally incapable of vocal inflection. She merely groans and moans the words out. She is also apparently allergic to gluten, even though she has never had any kind of allergic reaction ever, just a blood test that told her she was. So she spent every meal going: can I eat this? When the answer is quite clearly yes, since nothing bad will happen. And all she did the whole trip was sleep and read. It was ridiculous, we were supposed to be on a social exchange! I will say no more except nobody liked her.

26th Oct: College

Monday we spent in the school, looking at classrooms, learning about their system. They do a hell of a lot more work than us, in much more depth, for more subjects. Basically, the school system in a country that has no written law, isn’t in the EU and has brick and mud houses that are falling down all over the place, has a better school system than us. And they do it all in one less year. Come on.

27th Oct: Sibiu

Wandered around this city, looked at some buildings, then went to a really big mall. I bought a couple of books, as I do, this time on learning Romanian. D bought us a massive chocolate ice cream sundae that was rather nice, and also bought me a silver pendant on a chain that is pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. It’s a snake that curves round and merges into a rose branch, and then there’s a single rose where it reaches the chain again. I know, it’s hard to visualise, but trust me, it’s awesome.

28rd Oct: Basically nothing.

We essentially spent this day sitting on computers doing sod all. We ‘sat in’ on some lessons, but since a woman was trying to teach us French, in Romanian, that wasn’t going to work, and then some other woman tried to teach us how to use PowerPoint, and I think somehow, that we can do that. Then we were supposed to do sport in the gym but I just watched because I took no trackies or anything. Lots of people just watched really, there wasn’t long enough for everyone to play.

29th Oct: Brasov

Drove to this tiny shitty little village to look at its fort, then drove some more to a big city called Brasov. We went to this massive church that was full of freemasonry symbols which I thought was quite amusing. Then we went to the first Romanian school, where the guy just tried to sell everything. When we got back to Agnita we had dinner with a Romanian family. Neither of my girl’s parents spoke any English and she was really shy so I spent most of the night talking to her cousin, who was about 20 and spoke very good English. They fed me sooo much, hehe, I had to take a tray of cakes back to the hotel.

30rd Oct: Folk Dancing

Watched traditional folk dancing performance, then had a Halloween party of sorts in the evening, D’s costume was particularly spectacular but I think he should tell you about that.

31st Oct: Sod all again

Sat around playing computer games, watched presentations, got certificates for participating in the trip. In the evening, went out to a club. Everyone was drinking and sort of got caught, but the teachers decided that it was ok to sit and smoke with 15 year olds so they couldn’t really punish anyone for drinking.

1st Nov: Agnita – Cluj Napoca

Drove back to Cluj Napoca, had McDonalds, went to an awesome shopping mall but had no time to look really, then dinner at a Hungarian restaurant. The meal was chicken and potato. Again. Chicken and potato is apparently a main dish there, and I’d like to never eat it again.

2nd Nov: Romania – England

Up at 3:30am, airport, plane, wait, another plane, England. Drive, home. Unpack, sleep at 5pm.

Other Notes: There were dogs, stray or otherwise, everywhere, in the streets, just everywhere. There were lots of half finished or crumbling buildings which made the place look really transitional, like industrial revolution Britain almost. D taught all the Romanians how to say ‘you’re my bitch’ and had very loud arguments with them about the size of his cock in Romanian.

There, now don’t you just feel like you were there?

As for this week, I took Tuesday off of college because I was really tired, I can’t shake off this hacking cough, ‘Leo’ is having a party tonight and…Oh, I’m fat from all the food in Romania. End :P
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Clever Darling
I had a very weird dream last night. Basically some long haired lunatic was trying to kill me. I had no idea why, it was some sort of long term obsession he had. He made the lounge curtains fly open and it was dark outside and he was there. Then he broke the back window of Mum's car or something, and eventually he was in my bedroom with lots of dynamite connected to some candles I had to blow out to stop the explosion. Which I did. But he didn't seem to have any ultimate goal or conviction. Anyway, I woke up shortly after that, heart beating like mad, and that wasn't long before my alarm went off at 5.

That's right, 5. Why? Because in half an hour I'm off to Romania. Mwaahah. See you in a few days darlings.
Clever Darling
1. When your students are off school for a week, it is logical to set them work to do in that time.
2. When you have a week in which to do work, the work is relatively easy to get done.
3. Without the week to do the work, it becomes hard.

4. Therefore, doing all my half term work this week, in addition to my normal homework, is hard.

Two nights this week I've written two essays and done at least one other piece of homework in one evening. It's rather absurd.

But at least I won't have to take school work to Romania, that'd be a nightmare.

I'm going to Romania in about 36 hours. Mwahahahha.
Clever Darling
Good evening my darling ones.

I have little to verbalise on my current educational situation, and I suspect that it may be less than titillating to readers to experience minute details of my everyday life at college anyway. Furthermore, college has all been work work work and therefore there's nothing new to say BUT I've finally shaken off start of term drowsiness and now have the energy needed to survive the day safely, just in time to go to Romania and exhaust my energy supplies utterly.

I got all my GCSE Photography Coursework back yesterday. Looking through it, I'm quite proud of what I achieved really. It was my lowest grade GCSE at a B but I love some of the stuff I created and I don't mind the less than wonderful grade because I did enjoy the class...sort of. And that stage was pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself. Spending ten hours INSIDE a huge box writing on the walls anything I can think to say about my life is a pretty good way to spend an exam if I do say so myself. Plus, I'll tell you a secret. Come close, no, closer, little more, there you go. The roof of my photography stage, it talks about how upset I was at the time, it was just after I broke up with R you see. I don't think anybody's read it since I wrote it.

Er...what else...
TWO DAYS UNTIL ROMANIA LIKE OMG YAY I'M SO EXCITED

I believe that summarises everything important...
Clever Darling
Fine Tilly, have it your way.

Well. Obviously I was rather seriously ill last week, Monday, Thursday and Friday off college, god knows how much I've missed but it won't exactly take me long to catch up. Except for Maths I guess. The thing is, yes, I'm doing a lot of work, but that's all it seems to be, work. Am I learning anything new in my English based subjects? Classics I'm certainly not, it's all stuff I already know, English Literature, how to analyse is hardly something I need to learn, if I don't know by now there's something wrong with me, and Philosophy. That one's harder. The terminology is new, the format, but really, it's just thinking, and that's not new to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be.

Unfortuntately it seems it is to some people. It's disappointing to me when I realise that people I once valued and liked are nowhere near as valuable as I thought they were, that they haven't had the wisdom, or the maturity to be the best they can be. My sister, for instance. When I was much younger I used to idolise her, as many do with their siblings. Then she tried to overdose on paracetamol because her worthless money stealing arsehole boyfriend dumped her. And she's a Christian. The lack of original and independant thought indicated by both of those choices ruined my idol for me, although of course I still love my sister. Others too, the old best friend who is now a manic depressive, another who had so much potential, but now she's just a chav who's going to waste her life just the way her parents showed her how to. Everyone we ever meet has huge potential to do something amazing, something incredible with their lives and it seems that almost none of them utilise this and fulfil their potential. There is no failure except in no longer trying.

I suppose that's the motivation I need to carry on. Failure isn't a word I ever want to apply to myself. Because failing in my own eyes would be the equivalent of committing the greatest sin if I were a Christian. I was talking to someone the other day, and she said that it was obvious that I was ambitious, and that I seemed very goal based. That's not true. It seems true. But it's not. There is only one goal, and that is to try. Try everything, attempt all, be everything you can possibly be because then you know you have done your very best to make the best of life and fulfil your potential. Yes, I have goals. Those goals are based on what I enjoy, what I think will be interesting and what will give me opportunities. Opportunities for pleasure, experiences, and, cliched as it might seem, remembrance. The Romans prized being remembered after death, honour and glory, above all, and since our lives are so fleeting in the grand scheme of things, what better goal to have?
Clever Darling
I think I'm going through one of those phases where there's just no motivation to do anything at all. It's really inconvenient and I need to get over it.

But as it is, I don't really feel any motivation to write you a post :P
Clever Darling
I haven't been posting because I feel like shit, I still feel like shit, laters.
Clever Darling
So yeah, off school again today, even though I had Friday off, because I seem to have picked up a stomach bug somewhere. Woke up Sunday morning feeling crappy but kept it controlled most of the day because I was out with D. But as soon as he'd left last night it just got worse >:(

On the upside I got to sleep today. And tidy up my school stuff so I'm ready to do the craploads I'm going to get when I go back tomorrow, since I have no choice but to go back, no matter how ill I feel.

Erm, I suppose I should go over the wedding a bit but I can't really be bothered. It wasn't exactly a standard wedding, my sister enjoyed it very much. It didn't realy feel all that wedding-y I guess, because there were so few people and she didn't have the white dress or the church...it felt more like a party of some sort. Which it was really. The food was very good but I'm not sure if it was that that's made me feel ill or not. The cake wasn't very good though, my aunt made it and it tasted a bit plastic-like.

So that's all I have to say really. Fresher's ball on Thursday and I still don't know what I'm going to wear.
Clever Darling
IOU an update when I get home.

Wedding good, bit weird, details in near future.

Kidnapped by D for night yesterday, going shopping in Norwich today with him. I shall dress him in pink mwahahahaha.
Clever Darling
I have sooo much schoolwork to do. Well, finish maths, english and classics. shouldn't really take that long I guess but it feels like a lot. Especially the English.

Anyway. So today my sister is getting married. And I've got like none of the stuff I need to get ready because I forgot half of it and came down here straight from school. Grrrr.

*yawn*

There shall be more, like, tomorrow, most likely.
Clever Darling
Ignore the title.

Today I went to school. Yeah, you didn't see that coming. I also had an injection. And from about five minutes afterwards for a solid hour or so it felt like a bee was stinging me. Bastard bee.

I also popped over to D's having less homework to do. All we did was watch a Clockwork Orange (theoretically a modern great, but I'm not sure if I prefer the book or not. In the book you feel more involved because you really learn the language...)

Tomorrow is my last day of the school week :D I'm going to Hastings the second school finishes to go to my sister's wedding on Friday. And guess what? On Friday, I should get a LAY IN!!!! OMG YAY!!!
Clever Darling
Yesterday was a bit rubbish after the rubbish start. I went to college, went to classes, did some work, and that's about it. I sniffed a lot.

Oh, and my shoes have massive holes in. And it rained yesterday. My feet were very cold and very wet.

D came round in the evening but I wasn't in a great mood, two big lots of homework in one day and he was there so I couldn't get it done. It's not that I didn't want to see him, I just would rather have seen him AFTER the work was done. As it was I was snapping at him and getting all stressy and I just had to give up on the work, which leaves even more for me to do tonight. Joy of joys.

At least I get Friday off college this week. The concept of a potential lay in on Friday or Saturday or Sunday is positively blissful. I haven't spent one day just relaxing since school started. It'd be really nice just to spend this weekend doing nothing, but there's schoolwork, and D. So I guess that's not going to work.
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Clever Darling
You know, I slept really well last night, and when I woke up, I didn't feel too ill. And then my mother started irritating me because she was yelling at me because she has to get up and take me to the station, because Dad's ill. Somehow, that's my fault. And then my brother, who's closer to 30 than 20, decided to start annoying me by moving things around in the kitchen and generally being annoying, because that's what he's been doing since he was about 12. He's never got in trouble for it I don't think, because everytime it's ever been a fight between me and one of the others, they win. It doesn't bother me, they were the planned children, the ones she wanted, their dad was her first love, etc etc, but why can't she like me the same? Is it really so difficult not to block out every single word I say when they're around? She's never normally so rude.
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Clever Darling
Well, today basically failed.

I did my Philosophy homework, but then forgot everything I'd read, so I did really badly in class today, I also had English Lit first, and I hate it >:( Then Maths, which was fine, then Classics, which was also fine but not spectacular, then tutorial, and we finished half an hour early, but then I had to stand around because my tutor is too stupid to remember what I told her last week and just sign the bloody form.

GRRR

Then R and J were having a marital behind me up the road, swearing loads, but they haven't broken up, to my displeasure. Then I had to trudge swiftly around Cambridge because I HAD to get a dress for my sister's wedding on Friday and Mum got all stressy with me and I've got a cold and still feel crap but can't take time off college because I'm taking Friday off...

Anything else?
Well...I was going to say something about religion, because I saw some really pretty Muslim girls with those stupid fucking saris on today. How can they willingly subjet themselves to a life where they're treated as inferior and property? Its medieval, even barbaric! I don't think I could ever be friends with a Muslim purely on their outdated and absurd principles.

And because it's important to mention D in every post, I want D. Partly because I was quite lonely most of the day today, partly because nobody's company is as good as his, partly because I won't see him Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday. But mostly because I know he had a crap day and needs cuddles. That's how altruistic I am.
Clever Darling
Welcome to the superfast summary of my life.

Friday

1. School, long, boring, snore. However, I did have fun hanging out with Claire and Manwhore during my free, and then D came along after school and we hung out in Cambridge for a while. It got kinda boring when Claire and Jesus started making out and Manwhore found some blond whore so D and I left.

2. D, my house, night. Happy. AND we slept all night in the same bed, which is one hell of a leniency on my parents part. And it was pretty damn nice. Although D grinds his teeth massively and kept waking me up kissing me and telling me he loved me hehe.

Saturday

1. Didn't really do anything. Had D all day, slept a bit

2. Dad had a poker night and my brother arrived from New Zealand. D and I played but then we were too tired so we dealt out and went to bed. Again, same room, all night, but I was really ill so D slept on my sofa bed, partly because that's where he crashed I think :D

Today

1. Had polite discussion about who hallucinates more. I forgot a chunk of Friday night apparently. He forgot waking up in the middle of Saturday night and me asking him to come over into my bed because I was freezing.

2. Went to food festival, ate lots.

3. *Cough* that damn cold has finally caught me. Bloody thing.
Clever Darling
Hm...interesting....
Well, isn't it interesting the amount of power other people have over our happiness?
Friends, or people who pretend to be, they get little bits of us, that they can damage us with, and then the ones you can't trust take those bits and fuck you over.
The very concept of friendship makes us weaker, but the world we live in means we almost have to form social relationships and attachments and let people in because then they trust us and give back.
And then they hurt us, we hurt them, we fall apart, we get back together, we break and mend over and over and over and over...
But what's there to do?

I'm making new friends and strengthening relationships every day at the moment. Almost all new ones. And I wonder how many of them will be worthwhile, which ones I will pursue. At the moment there seems to be so much potential, and it seems I have the freedom to choose.

But then, they're still there. They're still holding me back. The bitches who have been hurting me for their pleasure for a long time now.
Yes, I could attack them. But what good would that do? They have ammunition against me, they could damage me too, and then I'd have to live with that stupid petty social hate hanging over me.
It's easier to just purposely drift away.
And that's what I'm doing.

Maybe my approach to problems is cowardly, to stay in control, to let things be, but I prefer a smooth life. Then I can focus on what really matters.
Clever Darling
It's not that I don't love you, but I can't be bothered tonight dearie.

I had debating it was good, we won, but I had to go on a team with Psycho. But we work well together, even if he is a prick.

I have been long term leant a pocket watch by dad.

That covers important points.
Clever Darling
Had a fairly crap day mostly.

Started badly when I had to get the train with H and co, because nobody was there that's awesome. I actually ended up listening to my iPod on full blast. I company, I almost never do that, because obviously you can't hear. But I didn't want to hear their pathetic and idle chatter.

Then Maths, which was fine because Liz is awesome, then ARC, which is pointless and boring and the teacher's thick, then Philosophy, which was good, then more Maths, again fun because of Liz, then English and I wanted to die because K wasn't there, she had a doctor's thingy.

Then...I got the train home with C and H. Again, iPod out. By that point I was just like, I need D now, because I'm going to hate everyone otherwise. But then I got him. And that was much better. And then I saw C (who shall henceforth be known as Manwhore, because he feels his name is not imaginative enough) and some other people briefly. Plus Nick/Jesus is really huggy and nice all day and that's quite cheering.

But overall, yeah, my 'friends' just depress me.

Can't wait to hang out with everyone AND D on friday though, because that has epic awesomeness.
Clever Darling
Welcome to that world,
The surreal land of your unreality,
Where Shadows dance,
Where Voices echo,
That waking dream you never leave.

Imagine a creature of gargantuan proportion,
It's width blocks the distance horizons,
It's height so great you can't see it's summit,
Sheer vastness so all encompassing you can see nothing else for it.

It blocks out the sun, you can see no details,
You don't know what it is.
You can't categorise, define,
You can't label it, and so reduce it.

Feel it tower over you.
Feel the fear, the awe, the wonder, the magnificence, the terror, the paralysis, the amazement.

Understand.

Understand that this presence is something you have known all along.
That you tried to run from it before,
But it you came back to it.
Compelled by curiousity, by pleasure, by sadomachism.

Understand that it is love.

Clever Darling
Today, I went to school. Yay me. Well, actually, let's start with last night.

I went to see My Sister's Keeper with my mum and her friend. I was painfully disappointed. Without going into detail, they basically cut out all the details and some minor plot points (expected in a film), but then CHANGED THE ENDING to the OPPOSITE of what happened in the book! Seriously, the WRONG CHARACTER DIED. It's ridiculous! And that ending was really perfect, it was karmic and balanced and heartbreaking. Bastards.

And then I came home and Dad was yelling at me again for no reason so I burst into tears and went to bed. And then I was really lonely and sad because the last two night's I've had D and he wasn't there and pillows just aren't the same because he's big and warm and cuddly and breathes and kisses. And pillows don't do most of that. So I was sad about that too...

So I woke up this morning feeling basically a bit shit. But it was a bit better when I got on the train and leapt on C and rode with him and J, because they're soooo much nicer and more interesting than H etc.

And then...lessons. English, conclusion is that the class is mostly idiots, and the teacher is an idiot. My other English teacher is a bitch. So now I don't like English. Which is important, because it means I won't want to do a degree in English and so will probably just go straight into Law. And...Philosophy, pretty standard. Got talking to Nathaniel about the Tories when we were supposed to be talking about altruism, I suppose the two are linked by contrast. Then...Maths, blegh, I don't like quadratics, I'm too slow at them no matter how much practie I get. And...Classics, pretty standard. Still astounded that I'm one of only about half a dozen people in the class who know anything at all about the subject already and two of them are repeating the course anyway. Who was Agamemnon for God's sake...>:(

What else...erm...I made pancakes. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, I just wanted them. So now I feel really fat and I've got loads of them to eat for breakfast hehe.

I miss D already, which I feel is a bit pathetic really. Not that I don't want to miss him, but I never used to be so needy? V says that the fact I couldn't sleep without him last night and that I now just think of us as a mostly permanent thing (which I didn't even notice until earlier, when I said to her that it would be awesome if he could come to Hills with me next year), which is a huge mental commitment for me, are kinda sweet. I'm not sure if I like being seen as that or not, by female friends that is. Guys are supposed to think it, it's part of my charm ;)
Clever Darling
Decided to stay at D's for another night last night, so basically EPIC weekend :D

And I stole an awesome purple mickey mouse hockey hoodie from him after sleeping in it (and nothing else, it's huge and I was boiling :D) last night.

And now I'm home and I need to clean the rabbit but I can't be bothered, he can wait a few hours, or another day.
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Clever Darling
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...
Hehe
Well, yesterday I had two lessons, break, free, lunch, lesson, free. So I spent break free lunch with Claire, who's awesome, Chris and some other random peoples, and then went back out to meet them after my 4th period lesson for an hour, then wombled off to get a train, rushed home, got showered, changed, etc, went to Dee's for a party, went to D's for the night...

All very hectic.

BUT

1. Person: Stuart, Why?
Stuart: *grabs balls* That's why!

2. Person: Claire, what's the time?
Claire: *Does Time Warp*

3. Person: *hugs Chris*
Chris: RAPE! *cries*

4. Person: blah blah blah sex...
Me: *gropes nearest person*

Innit to winnit :P

Additionally, today I spent all day at D's, cleaned his whole house so he could get ten pounds, and watched Hannibel Rising. And played with kittens and puppies of course.
Clever Darling
Today...well...
I made happy times with Nick, who is in my Dentristy class, because I stole his newspaper on the way from the train station and mocked politicians :D And then a giant purple spotted elephant came charging out of Tescos, stopped briefly to look around in awe at us all, then transformed into a black volvo and drove away.

And then...I had some classes...and...there was an ice cream van inside the school grounds, which was amazing and sexy. Until a t-rex clambered out of it, and began running around the school screaming: 'I want a plague of locusts, I want a plague of locusts!' but Chuck Norris showed up and jumped on its back and then they rode off into the biology block.

I also felt an undeniable need to be away from my 'friends' today. I just wanted to hang out with other people, even Psycho and his friends, who are admittedly pretty cool. Because one of them has green tentacles all over his face, another has 8 arms, and the third is called Mr Octopus.

And then I saw B and S and C and D this evening and it was nice and cuddly and nice. Mostly because there was a huge teddy bear climbing a tree that was too small for it, so the tree bent over, and eventually it just sprang bak and launched him far far away. Probably Austria or something.

And I actually passionately dislike one of my English Lit teachers because she set even more homework today and I hate that because it's really long and I didn't want long homework to do over the weekend because I'm busy.

Grr.

But the good news is:I'm staying at D's tomorrow, I'm staying at D's tomorrow...Yays XD

AND I'm getting that extra ear removed from my spine soon, and I fully intend to lick someone who's touched the Queen after she's shaken the Pope's hand, so I have effectively licked the pope.
Clever Darling
Right.

I shall now write an amazing, insightful and detailed blog post that will blow your minds.

Yesterday

Weeeell. I went to lessons. I heard two things I liked. One was 'When we have a conversation with someone, we are exchanging vulnerabilities. When we form a friendship we think we've exchanged enough.' The other thing was....damnit I can't remember. I think it was in English.

I also spent the evening with D, which was lovely as ever, and did some homework, as always.

Today

I impressed my entire Classics class because I realised that birds could fly (duh). I did all my maths hw in my free (yay). I stole from Descartes in Philosophy and was commended for it (by the way, I'm calling Philosophy Dentristry. Philosophy > Flossophy > Teeth. Geddit?)

But none of this stands up to this fact: I hugged Jesus. Obviously not in the Christian sense. I hugged a guy named Nick who wears no shoes and has a beard and long hair. And then I spent break with him and 'Leo' and some other people and it was spiffing.

AND I have like, no homework tonight. Yay. XD Oh, and I sat in Claire's lap on the train this morning, and she loves me. XD

What else...erm...days seem less long now, which is really good, but the lateness of the time I get home is still a bit painful.
Clever Darling
There will be a post here, just not tonight.

Mwahahahah

I loves the cuddles and the times and the love. x
Clever Darling
Today I learnt:
That my train was cancelled, shortly after I arrived at the train station to get on it.
That my English teacher for p1 Mondays gets the same train as me.
Chris is hoping for a large inheritance from a mysterious source. I think he's mad.
That there is more to the first passage of a book than you often notice first, or even second time around.
That my Philosophy teacher has annual breakdowns where he gets stressed, throws a tantrum, yells, and throws chairs around. Not because he had one, but because I was talking to some year thirteens.
That 5 to the power of 6x-1=25 is 1/2. I have no idea how yet, but I will figure it out.
That people in general love Lord of the Rings and Gladiator, and if you're in a Classics class and you haven't seen Gladiator, you get booed (sucks to be a girl called Leanne in my Classics class).
That it takes over twenty minutes to wait and get your passport sorted at the post office, and that my photo was nearly not acceptable because I've aged (WTF)
That having a giant hand of knowledge would make getting through doors hard, but beating people difficult.
That a girl called Claire who always wears New Rocks wants to keep me and lick chocolate off of me. She also held my hand on the way to the train station XD

I think that's everything important...
Clever Darling
I went to a farmer's market. And I had lots of nice things.

And then I discussed blow jobs in a car in Tesco's car park.

And then I relocated my rabbit to the front porch for winter and because he decided to start digging tunnels and trying to get free. And he still hates me for it.

And then...I found all my old school reports and starting reading them. Apparently in year one I wrote letters backwards. This supports my theory that I was/am dyslexic but adjusted to it and got in the habit of doing it in the right order at a very early age. I still write things in the wrong order when I'm in a rush.

And then I snuck into D's house for an hour to play with the puppies and kittens.

And now? Now I shall go to bed. And prepare for another long week :S
Clever Darling
I woke up just after nine today. I finished my homework just before one. I haven't spent that long doing schoolwork since the days of coursework in like, year ten. And even then, nearly four hours is pushing it.

To be fair, I did have a lot to do. Two lots of maths, two lots of english and one classics, but still, it seems excessive. But that could be because I didn't do any during the week. But if it's not, and the work load stays this heavy, I'm going to explode. I'm thinking it won't be that bad because I can just do it day by day when I'm not exhausted all the time like I was this week.

In other news:
I feel really angry and depressed today for no real reason. I'm pissed off because H basically told me I was stupid because I asked for help with the hardest question on the maths hw. She can go fuck herself, stuck up falsely modest arrogant bitch. Also, there's no bacon. And when there's no bacon, I get angry.

On the upside I've finished most of my hw now. I've kind of left one or two questions on the English because, well, there's just too much of it. Meh. Not important.

As for the rest of the weekend, well, hopefully now I can relax?
Clever Darling
I'm here. I'm still alive, don't panic just because I didn't post. Who am I kidding, only like one person reads this because I post obsessively and not often anything interesting.

WELL

Thursday
Some stuff happened. I had Double Maths (course, not time), TWICE and two other lessons (Classics and English Lit. ) and my brain hurted. Hehe. But yeah, good day. My other Classics teacher is a super energetic talking fast eccentric which means she's AWESOME. And...what else, I have a Maths buddy called Sam now (yes, I did just use a whole name :O ) And English Literature...well...the class isn't full of hugely impressive people and I'm not amazed by the teacher because I haven't met the other one yet (that comes tomorrow, I'm trying to keep chronological). I also met a new word! Nothing to do with English Lit, I learnt it from H. It's pisciverous, fish-eating. Excellent word. Also, squirrels eat REALLY loudly.

I then walked from the train station to meet D and then Mum gave us a lift back to mine and I did homework and cuddled and it was all rather nice and lovely but I'm still pretty tired but getting better.

Friday

Busy day. Right, here we go.

Spent my Philosophy lesson writing an argument about why you should buy a hat to prove how an argument from rhetoric (using big words really fast) can work. Then Classics, which was boring, Romulus and Remus, come oooooon I know that. Fire drill, stupid, if there ever is a fire we're all going to die everyone walks so slow.

I had two and a half hours free so I went out to my favourite cafe with a new friend who I shall call on here Iguana Girl, or IG (she doesn't have an iguana or anything, but I think she looks like the kind of person that would). She seems nice, a bit shy maybe, but I don't know, there's just someone about her that's a bit off-putting.

Anyway, then English Lit, met my last teacher, he seems quite eccentric, balding bachelor who talks too much kind of character.

Then got the train to D's, adored puppies and kittens, and just generally RELAXED which is wonderful. AND THEN, are you ready for this, because this is massive:

I CALLED UP A TEACHER AT ELY AND SORTED OUT GOING TO ROMANIA WITH THEM IN THE HALF TERM. AT HALLOWEEN. ROMANIA. HALLOWEEN. HELL YES.

And D's going, which is wonderful, and is kinda why I'm going, but I would jump at the chance to go there anyway because oh my god, it's ROMANIA!!! The mountains and the castles and the HISTORY!! I'm so excited. I'll miss two days of school but I'll get an authorised absence sorted out and it'll be fine. YAY
Clever Darling
So...had Classics today. I'm not sure about it yet. It's a subject I love but the class don't seem to know nearly as much as I do for the most part which means it might be slow going. Like, realy slow, like, they thought HOMER was ROMAN. Come OOONNNN. Ahem.

I also had a free period. That's a bad thing by the way. Because it means I sat on my own in the library for an hour trying to do my English homework but working with an AWFUL biography of Thomas Hardy and getting NOWHERE because it was so awfully written.

I think I'm in love with my Political Concepts teacher. He's like Hugh Laurie (personality), but prettier...hehe.

What else...I feel much less tired today. Probably due to the actual sleep last night, no doubt helped by the really soft cuddly pillow I hired for a couple of hours last night.

I have even managed to do some homework! :O Well, I tried to do the ONE maths question I need to do about four times, failed, gave up, then realised the answer is at the back of the textbook anyway and I could just work backwards. Then I did about half of my English homework but I hate Thomas Hardy and couldn't bring myself to finish it and the questions were sooooo detailed. So I'll finish that tomorrow or something. Plus I need to refresh my memory of The Aeneid's plot and the myth of the founding of Rome. And consider whether or not Pop-eye is real...

Yeah, you heard me.
Clever Darling
People are starting to come out of themselves a bit more now, it's better. I was right that making friends won't take much effort. Gimme a week with 'em Joe.

Psycho is in my Academic Research class. That makes it more interesting, but also makes me uneasy. I'm not used to seeing him in a classroom environment, it feels odd...

Philosophy is going to be awesome, English Lit looks like a good course with a less good teacher, Maths shouldn't be too bad but will require lots of time and I don't have Classics until tomorrow.

I have a free period tomorrow. I don't know what to do with it. None of my friends have theirs at the same time. I guess I'll go to the library???

Still soooo tired...
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Clever Darling
So...school...hmm...
No classes today so I can't really judge yet, but I have several points.

1) Almost all of the girls were dressed the same. Long shirt, tights, scarf, little boots. I can only hope this is not an indication of their clonelike natures, and that there really is some originality there, and that they were just dressing different for the first day??

2) Making friends should require very little effort. Simply going to class and talking to people should soon establish relationships on at least the level of acquaintance.

3) Academic research course for the sake of UCAS points? Shouldn't we have the choice? I'm going to get 5 A levels for God's sake, do I really need more UCAS points?

4) I have a really bigmouth, loud, attention seeking, annoying girl in my tutor group. But I only have tutorial once a week so that's bearable.

5) I'm really tired, even though I've done nothing, probably because I was up early and did pretty much nothing today.

6) Double mathematics takes up a lot of timetable space. I really hope it doesn't eclipse my English subjects, they are after all much more important.

7) I joined way too many societies.
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Clever Darling
So I've decided to relocate my official base to the dining room. Nobody really uses it anymore, I can get internet access, and, more importantly, I don't have to deal with my idiotic parents.

Seriously, my dad just started yelling at me because he asked if form groups were sorted by grades (ie the highest graded people are all in the same form group). Even though he knows H is in a different form to me. So I calmly said no. Then he asked again, as if I hadn't understood his point. At which I explained, somewhat agitated, that that wasn't how things were done. He then started shouting at me for being arrogant and rude and talking down to him. It's not my fault he's a fucking idiot.

I mean, for God's sake, my parents taught me for my entire young life that being good at school and being smart was pretty much the most important thing. Ok, well done, you created a fucking monster. Now you can't just hate it. Because you made it Frankenstein, and it's not like it could help taking on all the things you used to make it.

Yes, you're right mother, my siblings ARE nicer people than me. But neither of them had to live with you past the ages of 14 and 16, they got away a long time ago and have had plenty of time to recover from whatever you did that fucked them up. I mean really, you think they love you? They left you! The minute they were offered the chance to go live with their dad full time they chose to. They chose to go live with, literally, the evil step mother, rather than go on an adventure and see the world with you. Doesn't that tell you anything?

As long as I maintain an adult relationship with my parents, something closer to flatmates than family, there's peace in our house. The second they start trying to be parents everyone gets angry. Because I don't value their opinions. I don't want to answer their stupid questions or be subject to their whims. I want to sit and read, or communicate with people actually worth talking to, or get the hell out of the house, which is really what I do most days, and get away from them so I don't have to deal with their stupid conflicts.

Seriously, listening to them argue about money and dad drinking too much every single Friday gets really boring after a few years of it.

In other news:
I have to go to school tomorrow. Farewell summer. I shall miss thee. I really feel rather *meh* about the prospect of having to go through *sigh* making new friends, and learning where everything is in a new school, and getting into a new routine. It's all so...been there, done that, soooo many times. Isn't there something more?
Clever Darling
Some things are much more beautiful than you'd ever realised at first glance.
Sometimes things that glitter are just painted gold.
This world is always spastic though.

I found an awesome cafe/bookshop today. I love it. I'm going to rap- visit it regularly.

XD

Tomorrow is the absolute last day of summer. It's almost sad. God I can't wait to get back to school.
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Clever Darling
Erm...what's happened...I was going to stay at P's but I didn't, Psycho is being really nice to me because he's sort of realised he's a prick...my parents are arguing as per usual...I'm still getting nowhere with my reading...school starts Monday and I feel a bit unprepared really...

That's about it really...
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Clever Darling
Fail. I still went into town yesterday. I did do a hell of a lot of writing though. I've decided to sort of scrapbook, which in my case means writing lots, drawing ome, and sticking random things in too. I think it should make an interesting project. The writing is totally disjointed and disorganised and that's just how it should be :)

I also got my timetable for school yesterday night. And it's bloody confusing. AND I don't have either drama or debating down which is really annoying because I was really loooking forward to doing one of those two. Instead I'm apparently doing political concepts, which should still be interesting I suppose. We'll see on Wednesday.

AND I finally got my AS ICT result in the post. And guess what? I passed. I got a D hehe. Yay for me. I also got a U in one part of my CW and only brought the grade up by doing really well and getting a B in the exam. But mwahaaaah I officially beat Psycho's results now.
Clever Darling
Some random guy I've only ever met once for about five minutes asked me to go to a movie with him last night. WTF. He was Italian and pretty good looking, but still, manwhore.

Today I must read!! Words!! READ!! Not go out, or socialise, or shop or do anything mad or stupid, read. Books. Although it is 10:30am and I still have made no progress on this issue. All things in time.
Clever Darling
I'M COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INSANE XD
I HAVE LOST OF SEMBLANCE OF CONTROL OVER MY ACTIONS AND I AM CRAZY AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I'M DOING ANYMORE AND I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL SO I CAN STOP DOING THIS SHIT!!!!

And my head really itches because I walked home in the dark and now I'm paranoid there are spiders on me.
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Clever Darling
The world seemed less heavy today. It was good.

I went to the shops with my mum but ended up spending most of the day with Psycho and P. Basically just talking about weird stuff like drugs and films and watching a tv series with the guys from Shaun of the Dead that I'd never heard of called 'Spaced'.

It kind of annoys me that when I hang out with Psycho and P together he's very rude to me. I know he doesn't mean it at all and the only reason he does it is because he's totally concentrated on not upsetting her in the least. But when she's not around he's a lot friendlier, more talkative, and more intellectual. It's a bit annoying when she walks into a room and he suddenly goes from talking about books or philosophy to insulting me and asking her if there's anything he can possibly do to make her life better. She did attempt to remove herself from his grip after all. Even if she totally failed. It's almost pathetic the way he fawns over her.

I might/will probably see D tomorrow.... :S
Clever Darling
Sometimes you can know too much. I know why I take the actions I do, I know that when I make a decision I will follow through with it, no matter what the consequences, which is why I take so long to make important decisions.

I also know that I woke up in the middle of the night last night. And why.

I've never really felt guilt before. If I hurt someone, it's usually for a reason I see as valid, or an accident, in which case guilt is pointless. But this is different. This makes me feel like someone cruel. I feel responsible. I am responsible. And all I can do is anything that makes it somewhat better. But nothing will except perhaps time.

I don't think I'm as easy to understand as I think I am. So often lately something that's seemed obvious to me, an opinion I hold has seemed totally different to other people. It's not what they think. I'm worse than they think when they say I'm good, and better when they say I'm bad. So opposite...what am I doing that makes people see these things?
Clever Darling

chan⋅nel - verb - a course into which something may be directed

Possibly the most useful technique for coping with anything, ever.
Anger = baking
Depression = music, dieting, contemplation
Happiness = writing, creativity

Every emotion can be expressed, rerouted into something productive. Every situation can be used to advantage. Composure can be preserved with a small exercise of will power and an expenditure of energy.

Clever Darling
The sun is out. It's still windy though. The sun means wasps are back a bit. I hate wasps.

I feel very tired. I got loads of sleep though, so I'm not sure why. I think it's more mental exhaustion. I can't even be bothered to clean out the rabbit hutch, and my devotion to that creature is endless.

My mother is coming home today. She'll bring lots of American food for me. At the moment I don't even want to look at it. I think it's time for another one of my weird food weeks where I just loose tons of weight. It'll make me feel better when I start school.
Clever Darling
I didn't want to do it painfully. I wanted to find a way that would be gentle but honest. But P rushed me into it, I think with good intentions. And then I had to do it, because I couldn't carry on, and lie, and act like it was all patched up and better and okay. Because I haven't been okay.

For weeks I've been trying to figure out what I want to do. What I can do. Because I won't, I can't, change another person, not after the lessons I've learnt. It's wrong. It's bad and pointless. When two people don't work, and they try hard, and it's still not right, well, that's it. There is no other path except lying to oneself. And I love myself, and I won't lie to myself. I won't make myself suffer. I've done enough of that too.

I'm sorry that I caused pain. I wish I could have found another way. But it was still necessary. I really am selfish. I have to do what's best for me.

And it is.

I'm not stopping my blog. I'm not going to stop being honest here.

In other news: Enrolment was annoying but simple enough. That's pretty much it. I feel so tired.
Clever Darling
I just found something I wrote a long time ago. Well, not that long, 25th February. And I want to post it here, because I like it.

I do disassociative writing. I just get a blank pain file and make a text box, or a piece of paper, and then I write everything that comes into my head. I say I get rid of them, but I don't. I just hide them so well I know no living being will ever find them unless I show them to them.

Nobody should see the inside of my head.


'...I despise you because you didn't see what you had. You had me. Nothing in my world is more precious and now you've shattered me into pieces. I'll gather the pieces together and start all over again with some other prick who will break me all over again but I'll do it for the in betweens.

For those moments where a kiss is everything and no words express it and those precious golden moments where they are the world and nothing else matters. For moments where I am in love I will give all of those moments of pain and hurt. Because that's living. The highest highs and the lowest lows are all a part of life and our experiences make us the people we are. Well, my experiences have made me strong, and smart, and world wise, and independant and confident. And that makes me special. I am special. And one day I'll find someone who realises that. And then maybe I'll find a few more after him. But it doesn't matter because if I am loved then I can manage when that love is over. I can use the precious moments to hold me up in the dark, where their light will shine and make the black abyss of my life a little bit better because of what it once was...'

That's just an excerpt. I wrote that when I was in a very dark place. I hoped that the writing would make me feel better. And I know it did at the time. But it didn't take me out of that horrible darkness. I stayed in there for much longer. I didn't realise how bad it was until it was over. But that part of it, well, I think that's almost inspiring, and it makes me feel good about myself, knowing that even when I was weakest I was strong.


Clever Darling
I'm hyper, worship me.

Today I hung out with Psycho and P again and D got all angry with me for hanging out with them which made me angry but then I finally saw him again and it made everything better.

Hyper...hyper...enrolment tomorrow...
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Clever Darling
I was going to make cookie dough. It was going to be wonderful and calorie filled. But my dear father used up all of the cooking chocolate I bought especially for my cookies in making caramel slices, that are nearly inedible because he tried to make the caramel on his own. I am angered.

Today I didn't really do much. H came round, we finished off the maths prep, played chess and watched Kingdom of Heaven. Now I think I'll go read some more of Snow Falling on Cedars because I have to for school :(

D is back in the country tomorrow. God knows when I'll see him though.
Clever Darling
Erm, P and Psycho (as previously labelled) showed up t my house Sunday night because Psycho wanted to go over some maths work for school so they were here until about 3. And then I went to P's at 1 yesterday and spent all day and night there. D got all angry with me at one point, erm, I'm totally sure why actually, something to do with the fact I was hanging out with Psycho??? I also met this really dangerous but also pretty cool guy who I've been hearing about for a while.

Didn't sleep very well at P's, couldnt be bothered to take my jeans off and woke up all hot and unomfortable at 6:30. She talks in her sleep, it's funny.

Today I'm going into the city with my dad, should be fun. Mum's awake in America until Saturday. D gets back Thursday but I might not be able to see him until Sunday unless I work something out around enrolment on Friday...
Clever Darling
Right. So, I went down to family. And to tell the truth my aunt and uncle, the ones with three kids, are now the only respectable family I have. My grandmother has actually fully turned into a crazy cat lady, obsessed with her two kittens, treating them and talking to them like human children and unable to think of anything but them. It's a bit upsetting to see her thus reduced.

Otherwise though, the children are getting older and so I like them more, since they're less needy and annoying.

That's about it suppose...

D home four days...
Clever Darling
The light throws the shadows into deeper aspect. Blinding sunshine makes the dark places seem all the darker. When you flip a coin the light always runs, chased by the dark, but they need eachother to make the whole. It takes a look at the bad to appreciate the good, but then what to do with the bad? Because all anyone ever aspires to is the good. Do you run from it, hide it with more of the sunshine? Do you destroy it with more light, reflected into those dark places? What if that's not enough? What if the mirrors break, or the dark refuses to go? What if that speck of light, all that you can manage, is not enough to drive away the darkness. It takes less effort to have an absence of light than it does to make it there.

I hate the dark. Not just because I'm afraid of it.
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Clever Darling
I just realised that this is got to be just about the first time in my life I've been proud of myself and genuinely satisfied with my achievements. Normally nothing I do is good enough for me, but today I feel like I really did the best I could, even if two people in my year at school did get better results than me.
Clever Darling
Quickly: yesterday I didn't post because I did nothing but draw and read and it wasn't worth it. D left yesterday as well :(

Today: EXAM RESULTS. I got 9 A*s, 2 As (one from last years statistics course) and one B (photography, who cares), plus my distinction in Business BTEC, my BFTE in Business, two OCR's in ICT (distinctions), and my 1/3 diploma in ICT functional skills and I know I passed my ICT AS Level but I couldn't find the teacher to get the grade from her. So a pretty damn good day. After the getting results I just spent the day in town with friends. Then I had to call all the family when I got home *rolls eyes*.

No more exam worries until next year now :D
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Clever Darling
Hmm. D. Going away. Week. Not particularly happy. At least I got to see him today. Although despite cooking dinner for me he had to leave before we could eat because of his mother.

It was good though.

I'm going to miss him a lot. Too much. It feels like there's some sort of massive rope there, all dark and salt stained and covered in seaweed, like from some old pirate story. And the idea of stretching it is painful, the idea of it breaking is...unbearable. But huge old ropes are hard to carry around all the time and not everyone wants to forever. It's a stupid notion anyway, impractical. But then, when will that severing point come? I don't want it to but at the same time it has to one day.

Sticking to the present seems like the best idea.

But at present I'm moody and sulky.

And my results are out in two days. And I'm anxious. And that's probably why I'm moody and sulky.
Clever Darling
I just found out I have books to read before term starts. College didn't tell me, it's just on the website if you happen to go on there >:(

Very few characters in fiction annoy me more than one of the characters in the recommended reading book: Atonement by Ian McEwan. Briony Tallis is a lying, manipulative nosey bitch of a character who poisonously ruins the lives of her sister and the man her sister loves without even caring what she is doing at age thirteen. Why any writer would come up with a character so utterly enraging is beyond me. That I may have to study the book makes me possibly more annoyed, because despite it's almost crude references to sex and sexuality, and it's interesting historical fiction basis, I hate the absolute futility of the plot. It's too similar to real life. Just because there's no real happily ever after doesn't mean you should utterly decimate the ones in fiction.
Clever Darling
I love you really, I promise, I only neglected you for one day.

So...

Well, it wasn't a D-less day *inside party* because he could come to the BBQ my parents had in the evening and then he dragged me back to his for the night so it was rather loverly really. AND he's not going on holiday now AND the puppies and the kittens are now beyond adorable and I must eat them.

AND what else...erm...tomorrow I must chillax. And read. And be cheerful. Oh, and I got the Kerrang Album 2009 :D

And that's it really...exam results in THREE DAYS!!! AHHHHHH

P.S. A binturong is : a type of nocturnal wildcat native to Asia.
Clever Darling
I keep doing this weird cough thing, I've been doing it for the last two days. Cough cough, can't breathe, cough, cough. It's like a smoker's cough but I don't smoke! It's really horrible and it hurts :'(

One of my mates from school is in hospital, has been since Thursday and they still don't know what's wrong with her! Bloody people! There are only two doctors in the hospital all weekend apparently. Quite ridiculous really.

It occured to me last night when I was at a barbecue at my dad's friend's house, that my mother is almost as terrible a flirt as I am. She flirts so much with my dad's friends! It's really bad, and they're never single so imagine it must make their partners a bit uncomfortable, well, if they feel threatened by overweight greying codependant lunatics that is. Not that I don't get on with my mother, but she's not the kind of person I'd choose as a friend exactly.

And today shall be another D-less day. I haven't seen him since Thursday after S's party because he's got stupid coursework and apparently I'm unusual in that I sit down and do an entire piece of coursework in one afternoon. But then I'm am amazing, or maybe I'm just a workaholic...

God, it's only four days until exam results. I'm terrified. It's sounds stupid, but I really don't want to get any B's, because then I won't be straight A's/A*'s like I want to be. But I think I'm probably going to get a B in photography and that really sucks. Grrr.

On the upside D's holiday still isn't booked to my knowledge.