Clever Darling
So yesterday night was really nice.

Apparently now when you cross a vampire and a werewolf you get a viking. Terrifying people those vikings.

I have several hickeys on my neck and this may be a problem if my dad sees. So at the moment I'm wearing so much concealer that my neck is orange. Because he freaked out last night because I refused to stop watching the movie and send D to bed at 11pm. I mean, for god's sake, 'bed time' isn't something that's been enforced here for about three years and just because D is, well, male, he has to be removed from my presence often and we are not to be alone for long periods of time. It's so ridiculous. Dad's paranoid about it, mum is too but she's more diplomatic. I don't think they've quite clicked yet that I'm 16 and I can do whatever the hell I like in that respect.

I have loads of music I need to download and keep forgetting to do because it's so much hassle. I must do this.

Tomorrow I have a free day! Yay! Until the evening, when I'm going out to dinner at some friends' house. I shall do very little. I will sleep. I like sleeping. For some reason when D stays over I never sleep well. I wake up loads during the night and get all nervous about something nameless. Then I go back to sleep, then wake up again and so on and so forth. So it's rather restless.

You know what? I don't like pizza anymore. How odd is that? Pizza from a proper takeaway or something is all right, but anything homemade or from the freezer makes me feel rather less hungry. I'm also going off of sweet things a bit. Cakes and chocolate bars and stuff, they're nice, but I'd rather have ham or bacon. Don't ask why. I have a ham or bacon thing.
Clever Darling
Today it rained again. Damn the rain. And hailed. And we still went to the woods and socialised. I like hanging out with C because he's really nice and when D fucks off drunk or mad or whatever he's really friendly hehe. Today was actually surprisingly good because D behaved much better than last time :D And V and C came as well, which made things more even with people not drinking.

Very tired though. S and C got drunk again and got it on again and...yeah. Then they had to be carried home, which is a bit crap >:(

D's staying tonight, party times XD
Clever Darling
Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjur'd, murd'rous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust;
Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight;
Past reason hunted; and, no sooner had,
Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait,
On purpose laid to make the taker mad:
Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and prov'd, a very woe;
Before, a joy propos'd; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

- Sonnet 129 - William Shakespeare

Shakespeare knew all about carnal lust and sex, even if he did think it was rather sinful. And yet teenagers today still have the balls to say he's boring, this saddens me. The above, as far a I've read, is my favourite Shakespeare sonnet.

Today C and H came round. I never invited them, they just wanted to see the rabbit. I realised pretty much as soon as they got here that I really didn't want them here. H eats all the food in the house and C isn't demanding but may as well stay at home really since she just watches tv etc. It's not just them though. Apart from D, I really just don't have any desire to have people in my house lately. They eat all my food and make a mess and have to be entertained and stop me from doing what I want...Is that mad and selfish? Possibly. It could just be because my friends are a bit rubbish. Or it could be because I'm becoming a lunatic, wait, too late :)

It's raining again. It's always raining lately.

That's pretty much all I have to say...
Clever Darling
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me.
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag.
And I need you, I'm sorry.
- Pink Please don't leave me

So I'm actually only posting to stay awake. I really like that song lyric. Even though the song is a bit pathetic really, it's also very emotional and nice, especially considering it's Pink. But underneath it she's just a singer who loves her dad :)

Today was quite good really. Went swimming, my crappiness at swimming is really annoying considering that I used to be not too bad. Especially the lack of lung capacity. But it was still fun, especially since D was there this time.

But now, once again I'm REALLY tired. After the four bottles of lucozade (I don't have a problem :) ) have now worn off, and after the walking to town and back and the swimming, I'm pretty tired. So I think I'll go to bed rather soon. Not yet though, I'm listening to music and chilling :D
Clever Darling
Ever wake up in the morning and feel like you're still asleep? I really want to wake up, I wasn't even up late last night, but my brain is just refusing to function. If this carries on someone is going to take advantage and drown me later.

Maybe it was those energy drinks earlier...or possibly all the nightmares lately. Over the last week I've had nightmares about my rabbit being eaten (not that bad, I know, but still upsetting, and just a subconscious indication of my paranoia about the new pet), me being pregnant (singularly terrifying), me moving back to New Zealand and killing myself because all my hopes and dreams were ruined. Last night wasn't so bad, something about my rabbit getting pregnant and having ridiculous numbers of babies and some sort of weird growth hormone escaping and there being rabbits and mutant worms everywhere and I fell into a pit and then for some totally unexplained reason I was a tiger. Yeah.
Dream analysis website is interesting:

pregnant - To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Well, I can't really think of anything I wouldn't be ready to talk about or any new ideas. Maybe my subconscious knwos something I don't...

suicide - To dream that you commit suicide, suggests that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you no longer want to deal with the situation or relationship You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.

Well, Now that mess with R is apparently over I don't feel frustrated anymore. Transition is more likely, with going on to new school and everything.

pit - To dream that you are in a pit, signifies feelings of hopelessness about some situation or circumstance. Also consider the familiar phrase of "being in the pits".

This website seems determined to make me unhappy. The only thing I feel hopeless about is money and that's not weighing that heavily on me at the moment because everything else is going ok.

tiger - To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.

That's better.

Wasn't that interesting? I feel much more awake now.
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Clever Darling
Went into the city today. I bought nothing, we saw Harry Potter (again, shh, it's worth it) and basically loitered around. Ended up with cherry lube in my hair, but K got it worse, all over her chest (mwhaahah, she shouldn't have been wearing a low cut vest :D ). I also got to wear my pimpin' waistcoast, although it was under a massive hoodie half the day because of the HEAVY rain. At one point we were sheltering in a doorway and a car drove past and splashed a massive puddle up in to the air. Bastard.

Tomorrow we're going swimming, although at this point don't know if D is coming. I shall be sad if he doesnt :( Then it'll just be my 'friends' although thankfully not R. I was just going with H originally but it ended up being a group invite and...yeah. It'll be fine. Fine. Really. Because R won't be there. And hopefully D will. Rawr. I hate that social events make me all nervous and angry. I'm turning into a hermit or something. Although I have no problem with D's friends, just mine...hehe
Clever Darling
The one day I decide to stay in bed for, well, the whole day basically, my mum decides to come in at 11:45 and tell me to get up and let the rabbit out. All you have to do is turn the latch on the hutch door, I think she can do it. But noooo, let's wake me up before it's even in the PM timezone just because she's too lazy to turn a latch.

And now I could back to bed but I really need ot put my phone on ebay and read some of the Hunchback of Notre Dame because I'm mega behind and I started reading a new fanfic last night and I still need to read My Sister's Keeper before I see the film and the rabbit didn't get any love yesterday s he needs love today and...

I wish I could have stayed asleep.
Clever Darling
Currently I'm watching the Dead Poets Society but while I'm waiting for it to buffer I'll chat to you.

Went to D's today, did very little, had to wake him up when I got there since he was still in bed, even though he knew I was coming round at 11, hehe. I also got my feet and legs all stung walking his dogs where there were stinging nettles wearing flats :(

Parents are arguing again, about money as usual, and that makes for a bad home environment, only a few days until Dad gets paid. That stupid Yorkshire holiday took all the money.

Once I was telling others how to love
The sermon's message lost on the preacher
Thinking such things I was myself above
Once I was such a foolish young creature
Seeking in a great world of adventure
Looking for thrills and pulsing excitement
Innocent, naive and utterly pure,
Experience is a changing tyrant.
Now each smile brings me new wonders and pain
With ev'ry drawn breath learning more and more
I know and feel what I ne'er will again
In these troubled times, of one thing I'm sure
Ev'ry day passion consumes me more and more
To love as love never has loved before.
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Clever Darling
Yesterday I woke up thinking it was going to be a good day. And for the most part it was. The sun was out a fair bit, my rabbit, who is becoming the centre of my world, is becoming more comfortable in his new home and I spent a reasonable amount of yesterday watching him throw a cereal box across his run, crawl inside it, step on top of it and generally enoy himself. Adorable.

On the downside, all Wednesday night my muscles were going crazy and spastic and so I didn't get much sleep. Even painkillers didn't help and I NEVER take painkillers so when I do they're usually really effective. And I didn't see D, which seems kinda important after the mess on Wednesday. And it looks like I might not see him today either because it sounds like he's too tired to come here and I feel too ill to get over to his. *sigh*

Of course I achieved absolutely nothing yesterday. I read some more of the Bible, listened to music, sat around being generally unhappy and swore at my computer a lot because the internet keeps failing.

*sigh* I don't know whether I feel crap because of all the stress of lately or because I'm ill or what. Maybe I should just go to bed.
Clever Darling
My own fragility never ceases to amaze me. Not only that, but my willingness to put myself into the dead centre of situations where it's almost inevitable that I'll get hurt. I surround myself with people who don't fit in, people with problems, people that are lonely and need support, people who don't care about others and people who are very good at putting me down.

Why? I don't really know to be honest. I like to feel needed, sometimes that's why. Sometimes it's because I don't realise until it's too late. Sometimes it's because I really want to see the best in people, I end up making excuses for them until I hit that sudden reality check, like I did most noticably with R, and everything crashes down.

I think the reason I keep on doing it is because I'm so determined not to miss anything. I want experiences, I want to feel different things, I'm aware that means pain and heartbreak and numbness. But I keep going because there's some driving part of me telling me life is too short not to live every moment to the fullest.

Today was hard. But after a minor emotional rollercoaster I managed to get through it. And now I don't feel too bad at all. Tired though. I like knowing that I can get through difficult things. It makes me feel more confident when I'm making important decisions, knowing that I can get through whatever consequences there are. Knowing that today I didn't have to say 'no' because I'm strong enough to say 'yes'.
Clever Darling
My first thought this morning was: lovely English summer weather. My second: bunny. Hehe. I really do rather love the fact that after being nicknamed Babbit for nearly 3 years and having an affinity with them since then, I've actually got my own, but not only that,he looks evil and adorable at the same time XD

Enough obsessing over the rabbit. The package that was supposed to be delivered still isn't here and if it isn't by 2 I'm getting the 2:50 train to D's because I'm really bored. He doesn't know that, but that's his own fault because his phone isn't on :)

Currently I'm munching pasta and reading the Bible. Yes, you heard me, the Bible. No, I'm not converting to a fundamentalist Christian, sorry. I'm reading it partly as a backing for literature, biblical references are everywhere and it's good to be able to recognise them. Secondly, it's a very know your enemy kind of thing. One of the hot topics at the moment is creationism, especially in schools, and when I'm arguing with lunatics who think the world is only 6000 years old I want to be able to point out the gaping holes in their arguments, the fact that God apparently made day and night before the sun for example. That means that the sun does not, apparently, give off the light that causes day, so not only are Christians flaunting geological evidence, carbon dating, the obvious fossil record, Darwin's beautiful theory of natural selection and common sense in general, they are saying that the sun doesn't cause night and day. How ridiculous can you get?
Clever Darling
Summarising because I'm lazy:

Prom: My sister was late coming to do my hair so I got all stressy but then she was here in time and it was fine. I don't think I looked that good because my dress wasn't very nice. The limo was awesome, all shiny inside and we were all terrified that we were going to fall over getting out. The rain stopped just as we arrived, which was nice. Then C and R, who were coming in a different car, were like an hour late so we all got a bit annoyed. But the music was a surprisingly good mix of pop, rock and dance classics like the macarina. All in all it was quite good, but the professional photos are all a bit rubbish adn REALLY expensive, £7 a print?! Then the afterparty, I called D as soon as I got back and he was all stressed out so I got all stressed out and drank loads very quickly and ended up getting all chummy with R because I wasn't totally with it, which I now feel really angry about in light of yesterday. Slept in a tent, terrified it was going to fall over all night.

Weekend: Came home, there were children here (2 and 4 years old), I hate children in general and these ones in particular, so I immediately ran away to D's after a quick shower. Spent reasonable portion of the time at D's sleeping with himand his cat, very nice. Came home, managed to stay awake until 11pm (amazing!). Stayed in bed next morning until kids had gone out to go horseriding and then got up and started cleaning out the rabbit hutch and getting it ready for its new occupant. That took ages and the children were leaving by the time it was done. Then I went to D's, picked up my rabbit, came home and put it away to settle.

Today: Been trying to stop the dog from constantly barking at the rabbit, not doing very well really. The rabbit doesn't seem to care. His albino face reflects to fear of the dog and his red eyes of the devil just glare back through the caging. Mum however, is very aggravated by the dog barking and keeps yelling at me because of it. V also cam round to play with the rabbit (btw, his name was Blossom but then that was decided to be too unmanly so now it's Bezlebub, shortened to Bubby which is frankly pretty damn unmanly as well).

I've got a minor problem with mother in that she's decided that I'm spending too much time with D and that he's too immature for me. So she's decided to actively pursue a policy of stopping me from seeing him such as cancelling my trip to his tomorrow so that I can stay home and wait for a package for her. Which is pretty rude really. I really don't need any more hassle right now, especially when she's being all dramatic about the dog barking and saying we can't keep the rabbit blah blah blah)

Clever Darling


Explanation: A few months ago I went out with a couple of friends of mine, a couple, both of whom I get along with really well. We decided that as a joke, and because we all liked attention, we were going to go back to our three seperate schools and tell people that we'd done all kinds of things, had a threesome etc. But I decided to change it a bit because I didn't think anybody would believe that I'd done it and just tell people that I'd given this guy a blow job when the girlfriend was asleep. And everybody believed that. And now my MOTHERFUCKING ARSEHOLE EX BOYFRIEND has decided to tell anybody who'll listen that it's true apparently. Including the girlfriend. So I figured out what was going on and told her first and explained that I'd been a bit stupid. And now I really kinda need to tell D before some idiot tells him that it's true but he's not on msn.

As for R, I think it really might just about be time for me to actually kill him. I don't think I'm going to be noble and move on. Because he just won't fucking let me. So he might just have to realise who he's fucking with.

He's not going to like it.
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Clever Darling
I will post a proper description of prom at some point in the near future but I don't have the energy right now.

Suffice it to say it was really good, some people were gorgeous, some people not so much hehe. I might have had a little bit too much mojito at once afterwards given my lightweightness, and that followed by a mojito/pink lemonade/wkd blue mix was a bit...interesting. By the time we got onto the pina colada I'd already decided that laying on the floor was a good plan. :D

So tired...*yawn*
Clever Darling
Ahh, I didn't post yesterday! *slaps hand* I don't know why I post every day, I think I might just talk too much :D

So, yesterday. Hmmm. Well, the good news is I didn't get in a fight. But it's very possible that's because I spent the entire day with H and trying to stay out of the middle of the group. I still had four different periods of time where I just felt like sitting in the street and hating everyone until the feeling went away (I didn't, would have been funny though...). D wasn't there, so that made everything a little bit less shiny, especially since J and R were there and kept kissing and hugging and that kept making me look for D without even thinking about it even though I knew he wasn't there...crazy person.

So's prom tomorrow. I am so not ready for it to be prom tomorrow. I don't know how I'm having my hair exactly, I don't have anything to put in it because what I bought turned out to be the wrong colour, my shoes will probably give me blisters, I don't know when my sister (who's doing my make-up etc) will be here and if she gets here too late I'm buggered, I haven't packed my stuff for the after prom party at H's, nor have I carefully stolen some decent alcohol from my parents. Oh, and for some reason probably related to wearing shoes that didn't fit properly all day yesterday my foot has decided to swell up, meaning wearing heels is going to hurt (like a bitch on fire? lol). Conclusion: I'll be lucky if I don't look like roadkill tomorrow night. Did I mention D isn't allowed to go to prom because he's not in our year or the after party because H doesn't want him there? Grrrr...

Must go do something about foot...
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Clever Darling
I'd just like to take this small opportunity to say something that I know my 'friends' will never read. And by 'friends' in this instance I mean those people who have been consistently stabbing me in the back for the last few weeks, the dear and loyal boys and girls who haven't quite grown up enough to confront me directly.

Who it all boils down to is R. After months of doing my absolute best to be civil to him on all occasions, friendly, attempting a sort of friendship that ignored my boiling hatred of him, he's decided to go and fuck up my life even more than previously. Because now, without bothering to let me know, he's decided that he hates me now. Why? No idea, presumably because he's an abrasive bastard, possibly because he doesn't like me as a person, maybe because he doesn't like D and wants to rid himself of both of us, maybe because he sees me as some kind of threat. And now for the third time in a week I'm crying because he's very good at fucking up my life. It's not as if I regret losing him from my life, I'd throw a party if that was the case but it's so much more complicated than that.

He's going around organising events all summer, events that my 'best friends' C and V will no doubt go to, taking up all their time and leaving me effectively pushed out of my own group of friends. And I was fighting it, and now I'm not. I'm giving up, he can have all their time, uncontested. He doesn't want me around, fine, I won't be around. I don't need friends who don't stand up for me, I don't need people who insult me and put me down all the time and I definitely don't need people who haven't grown up yet.

But that's not the end.
I hate you. I hate you with every fibre of my being and I always will. I will never stop thinking of you and wanting you dead. I will never be able to fully trust a male again because of you. Everything that has been my life for the last two years has come gradually to and end in the last few months and half of that has been solely because of you. If you had shown some shred of remorse, some understanding of how deeply you hurt me, then I might have been able to honestly forgive you. But, no, you, you motherfucker, you just carry on living your life. And if I get in the way? Well, just call me a slut and kick me out of your life, who cares? Because nobody really gives a shit about the arrogant bitch in the corner who is there for every-fucking-body, nobody cares about the person who is whatever you need her to be. I've been there for every single fucking one of you at some point, counsellor, jester, mother, sharing and giving every spare part of me for different people, that's all I've been doing since I got here. And how many of them are there for me in the same way? Less than I can count on one hand, that's for bloody sure.

All I want is to get away from it all. From the childishness and the bullshit and everything. I don't care if I make new friends, because I really can manage without big groups of useless teenagers around me. I don't need anything except my schoolwork and one or two close people. And that's not bravado, that's the truth.
Clever Darling
The weather has been very odd today. First it was sunny, then it rained torrentially, now its cloudy with occasional bursts of sun, damn weather can't make up its mind.

Anyway, as a result of the torrential downpour I decided not to walk the three miles to my friends house to choose prom earrings but instead to stay at home and continue reading 'Notre Dame de Paris' by Victor Hugo, which is, quite frankly, very boring and confusing. Lots of words that have fallen out of use are used and there are lots of lengthy descriptions of buildings that are really unnecesary. But alas, tis a classic and one I shall conquer.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to the cinema with a group of people. That group including R, but not D. This might result in a rather stressed me, although H will be there and she should be rather calming and reassuring in this instance. I'd rather like to get through the day without embarassing myself again. Plus the movie should be good (Harry Potter) and lead to some interesting discussions with H later on pretty much every aspect.
Clever Darling
So today I FINALLY finished Richard Dawkins' 'The God Delusion' and I'm so happy because I've been trying to read it for about 9 months now and never finishing it because I've been so busy but today I finished it! Go me!

That's pretty much all I achieved today...

Random fact of the day: I’m sometimes afraid of the dark, not because there’s anything dangerous out there, but because I imagine that there are dangerous things out there. Even now, when I’m all grown up (bless) I imagine monsters after I watch horror movies, or murderers, shadows and weird noises make me nervous and I CAN’T sleep with the curtains open. Funnily enough, this is nowhere near as much of a problem at other people’s houses, I only ever start imagining dangers in the dark at home usually. I’m mad. And when I'm on my own. Never a problem when other people are around.
Clever Darling
So I'm in a ranty mood and even though I'm halfway through de-cluttering my room I'm going to mini rant for a minute here.

Everybody always seems to complain about their relationships past and present at some point. That's totally normal, obviously. But when people (myself included) make really obvious and stupid mistakes then look back and wonder where it all went wrong it all seems rather stupid.


Stunningly obvious relationship mistakes:
1) I could really like this person, if…
You can’t go around changing people to suit you. That is not a good thing to base a relationship on. Ok, well, maybe you CAN change that person. But that’s not right, that just shows that they weren’t right for you. And chances are they won’t be happy when they’ve changed, or you won’t be what they want anymore. If you change them, maybe their opinion of you will change. Maybe they’ll go looking for something else. If change happens, it should be natural, not forced. Equally, changing for a person is not necessarily a good idea. If they're with you, then that suggests that they like you as you are, and if they aren't seriously complaining about something, or they like it and you change it because you think they'll like you better that way, you might just end up ruining everything. And that would be bad. Very bad.
2) Making excuses
‘It’s not that they don’t love me, they just…’ What? They just don’t love you? They just prefer to be with their mates, or your mates, or their mother, rather than hanging out with you. They don’t pay attention to you, well, they must be shy, or busy. If you’re more into it than the other person is, and you spend all your time making excuses for the fact that they don’t hold up their side of the relationship, there’s something wrong, and you’ll have to face that someday.
3) I’ll learn to love them, in time.
This is a very dangerous one. Entering into a relationship, or leading someone on, when you’re not actually that interested, but you think maybe you will be, or you just want to have some fun. More often than not, you won’t grow to love someone just because you decided to try to. Love isn’t a forced thing, it just happens. This mistake is particularly common with rebound relationships or people who are just bored. You’ll end up hurting them if they really like you and you’re just playing along. Will you feel guilty then?

Then again, as far as number three goes, some of us are just risk takers. Sometimes it pays off, that's a chance you decide to take.
Clever Darling
So the last 24 hours have been interesting. D decided to come round, just before he came here we found out that our 'friends' R,J,C,V and S were all going out tonight without bothering to invite us. Definitely down to R. So D dragged me up to where they were against my will, even though I knew it was a really bad idea, and not only did R completely ignore both of us for all he was worth, I ended up crying on C because I just got all overwhelmed with how much I hate R, I mean, even after all this time I still haven't once had a proper go at him or broken down or anything...

And I'm not going to. Rawr. Erm, so then D realised that we should probably leave, so we did, and then I got all angry at myself for crying in front of/on him, which was probably a bit stupid...but yeah, once yours truly got herself back under control we came back to mine.

Then this morning went out and D decided that he wanted to cook for me tonight and bought some stuff, and we came back here. Then D decided that he couldn't be bothered to cook, which for some reason just annoyed me because I've got an ingrained angry button when people say they're going to do something and then just don't. And also D's still got that stomach problem so I was worrying about him all morning...

So basically I've been a massively moodswingy cow for the last 24 hours or so, and I'm amazed D has put up with me without getting angry or anything :) I should probably apologise...
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Clever Darling
So, I might have done what I always tend to do when I get particularly stressed, I baked a cake. I don't know why I do it, but when I get really angry or stressed out making something tends to help. It's often a victoria sponge (which is potentially dangerous because I tend to use butter icing and we don't always have the right sugar so it ends up...crunchy), sometimes I write, but today, I cook. First, a chocolate cake which is baking in front of me as I type. Then it'll be dinner time, which will be cheese and mushroom tortellini with a very cheesey sauce. I also just dug out the very last of my raspberry infusion, which I love, but at £5 a tub it's a bit pricey to be drinking very often. But I will have to buy some more now I've run out because I can't live without it...

I MIGHT have also just gone out and bought not one but two ridiculously female magazines to peruse under the excuse that I need to find a prom hairstyle. Three guesses how I'm spending this evening. (Unless D shows up, in which case I just might be considerate and not spend the whole evening reading)

I must depart for to remove my cake from the oven.
Clever Darling
So I just quit my job. My despised job. Why? Because I'm sick of working doing a job I hate in a place I hate for ridiculously low pay. So what does the boss do? She calls my f***ing mother and asks her (nicely) to bully me into changing my mind. Because I was supposed to be working tomorrow and it's really inconvenient for them for me not to work. Like I care how inconvenient it is for them! It's inconvenient for me to spend seven hours on a Saturday waitressing just because they want me to. I've had enough! Deal with it! Goodbye, leave me alone!

Will I get another job? Well, yes. Obviously. But I don't NEED one right now so I might wait a month or so just so I can enjoy this summer and relax. Because this summer will be my last summer to relax. I've got loads of stuff I've been meaning to sell on Ebay anyway, that'll bring in enough to tide me over until I decide to go back to work.

In other news: Something odd was going on with D last night. He had a fight with his dad over a sleepover this weekend, then he got really angry and said he was mad at himself but wouldn't explain why. This makes very little sense to me. Then when I got up this morning there was a message for me saying sorry he's been clingy??? Have I ever complained that he's clingy? I actually quite like the constant reassurance, it makes me feel less insecure, plus he's not even really clingy, he's more just affectionate.

Today I have plans, great plans. I will:
1. Clean my room. My style of unpacking after my holiday was sort of just to chuck my clothes all over the place and leave them there. This requires fixing.
2. Sort out my reading list for this summer. There are many books to read and I want to get started.
3. Get dressed. This is a less important goal but might be a good idea.
4. Sort out above mentioned Ebay stuff and assess its worth.

Should be a productive day, I better get started.

But wait, there's more. A few minutes after I wrote this post my former boss alled my mother again, and then had the balls to accuse me of having a lot of growing up to do. Excuse me, you're the one calling my mother to bully me into working for you, you're the one who's too lazy to work for yourself, you're the one who has a ridiculously high staff turnover in both your businesses because you're a crap boss. You're accusing me of being childish because I'm taking care of my own interests? Well, maybe if you stopped trying to cheat the tax man and took care of your business properly you'd have your employees contractually obliged to work for you, then you wouldn't have this kind of mess, would you. You f***ing idiot. I am so angry right now...I need...I don't know what I need but I haven't got it right now...
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Clever Darling
Today I had a crap day at work, because I'm not a waitress. My boss has known all along that I won't do waitressing, and today and Saturday I'm rostered to waitress. Well they can shove it. First thing tomorrow I'm quitting. They can shove their disgusting little cafe and their filth and their absolute minimum wage up their fat ugly...I'm calm.

My crap day resulted in the buying of Ben n Jerry's one week before prom, which was really stupid, and then I didn't eat most of it anyway, instead feeding it to D and two of his friends.

GRRRRRRRRR!! Today has been so crap even D had trouble cheering me up earlier and now I'm torn between going for the summer without a job or getting another one and giving up my last work free summer, like, ever. I just want to spend my days at home reading and getting ready for sixth form, why can't I just relax for once? I've been running at full speed non-stop for the last two years and I just need a break. I'm exhausted, totally and utterly. I just want this summer to myself, even if that means being a bit poor for a couple of months.

Clever Darling
I can't believe that I didn't get out of bed until after 11am, and I still feel exhausted! I didn't even do anything yesterday...

Anyway, I'm only posting ot mention this weird dream before I forget it. I was in this huge school that was actually a castle and then everything was flooding and the water was getting higher and higher so I escaped and then somehow ended up arrested and in this prison. Then I got bored of being in prison and decided to leave but D wouldn't come with me (I don't remember where D entered into the dream lol). And I was begging him to leave with me but he wouldn't, and I actually woke up crying because in the dream I was going to have to leave D. Very very weird. And very distressing, it's horibble to wake up crying because you don't know whether to just keep crying or make it stop in your half conscious state...

Anyway, I have things to do, toodles.
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Clever Darling
So my hair did not turn green, it turned a loverly shade of reddish orange, exactly what I wanted. The dye was really fun, henna looks like mud. I had to sit in the bathtub for an hour while it set XD

D came round as well, I got really worried because he was over half an hour later than expected and he's been ill lately and his phone wasn't on...but then he got here, so it was ok.

I just want to mention something: Michael Jackson was attractive when he was black, and then he destroyed that. Just something I keep thinking when I see all the memorial stuff etc.

After this weekend's incident I'm somewhat reluctant to go anywhere near D's house at the moment because I'm scared of his mum hehe. I really don't want her to come into contact with my parents or anything either.
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Clever Darling
Today I'm henna dying my hair, and because it was chemically dyed before, there's a chance it'll go green. I'll do a test before obviously, but I'm really terrified that it's going to turn green on me a week and a half before prom with a permanent hair dye.

What can one do? Pray!!!! More on this later.
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Clever Darling
Today, as obvious in title, I went shopping :) I went with H, who is surprisingly being rather a good friend of late, she was the only one of my friends that contacted me while I was away and she's pretty damn fun to shop with.

After going in just about every clothes shop we could find I'd spent £60 on, well, a lot of underwear, some make up, some hair dye, a necklace for prom and...I think that's about it...

All in all a day well spent. Tomorrow we shall use this hair dye and find out if it works's henna and when you put henna over a previous chemical dye bad things can happen so fingers crossed.

D is sick again, which basically sucks (in the simplest terms possible). But not anything contagious so I can still offer medicinal hugs :D
Clever Darling
Tonight I am going to sleep in my own bed, how amazing is that?

But...last night was...*sigh*. I love being with D so much, he's just so awesome :D On the downside, his mother did kind of walk in...embarassing...

BUT I really don't get what it is that adults, parents especially have about sex (I'm kinda crossing into my other blog here but this deserves to go on this one). Protect the innocent children by making sure they don't ever have sex, even if they're legal. Discourage it, even when it's safe. My parents aren't religious or anything, as far as I know they have no objections to sex, but it's still not ok. Because they TRUST me not to do it. Trust? As in, there's something wrong, and there's something right, and they expect me to do the right thing. But there is no wrong, there's merely the choice between yes or no and I really hate that I have to spend half my time worrying that they don't get the slightest idea about that kind of thing. It's annoying and stupid and stressful. yeah. I'm very very tired, I intend to sleep reasonably late tomorrow, which will be loverly. Then I'm going to go buy some hair dye. Exciting exciting exciting, it's good to be home.
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Clever Darling
Did I mention I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy be home? I missed my room and my things and the internet and my house and my dog and my town and obviously, most of all:
I missed D!!!
But I have a solution to this problem!!! I'm going to his for the night, tonight, even though I only got back about an hour and a half ago. Do I care? No. I missed him sooooo much and this almost makes the crappy week away worth it (the 'almost' is nothing to do with him, it's just the massive crapness of the holiday is very difficult to overcome, so I'll get back to you on whether they balance or not :D)
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Clever Darling
I'm home I'm home I'm home, here's the week's worth of ramblings...

Day 1 And so it begins. Stuck in a tiny (albeit nicely decorated) cottage in the middle of nowhere with my parents for a week. No internet, no company and, the most annoying of all, a theme park five minutes down the road that I can't go to because neither of my parents will go on rides and there's no way I'm going to a theme park on my own lie some friendless weirdo.

The fact that I don't actually have very many real friends at home is not important at this time. The fact that I can't spend any money because I need it to go to Rome with school next year also means that I can't turn this hopeless holiday in hell into a shopping trip. Thankyou higher education, £1000 at least for my first year for train tickets, books, trips and other necessities. Like we can afford that. I'm going to have to use all the money I earn this summer to pay for half of the cost if they're lucky. That means no new clothes for school. No shopping trips. Nothing, just working and saving money.

It's also possible that I glanced at a man and, after only a quick look thought that it looked like he was riding a large black pig. It was a very quick glance. But I happened to say it out loud without thinking. He was obviously not riding a pig, he was riding a lawnmower.

Thank god I have D to cuddle. That doesn't cost anything. Only 7 more days to get through.

Day 2 Dawn creeps over the fields slowly, no sunshine peeks through the grey and overcast clouds. Birds whistle and tweet energetically from the window of an abandoned barn. I’m bored. Having finished Marilyn Manson’s autobiography last night (surprisingly good) and started on the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (again, I will finish it this time) I managed to fill last night. But now I’m sitting here waiting to go sit in the car and drive to Whitby, which I very much doubt will be as interesting as the Whitby of fiction in which vampires stalk the night and might just turn us into beautiful immortals.

Last night I fell asleep imagining I was in D’s arms. Even when they aren’t really there they’re almost supernaturally comforting. My mind also touched briefly on when I’ll see D again but it’s almost too soon to start fantasizing about that, it’ll make the days seem longer.

Saying I love you. I always feel a need to exercise a certain restraint there. If you say something too much it tends to lose it’s meaning (repeat a word over and over to yourself, it starts to sound different) so I don’t say I love you, even though it’s a fairly constant thing, except in moments that seem right, or where I really feel it. I don’t do the ‘I love you’, ‘I love you too’ thing, because that’s just a response to what someone else is saying, it’s not a spontaneous display of emotion. It’s not because I don’t always feel it, I know it might give of that vibe sometimes, but I’m not going to say something so committal just to fill an empty space in conversation where I’m expected to put it.

Later Went to Scarborough (boot sale at Whitby that we were going to was cancelled due to rain). It’s just like Hastings except there are more people and a few more shops. Went on a ride on a fake pirate ship around the bay and saw a seal, got some fudge made from WKD that I’ll try and save some of to take home, got a pirate bandana. Nothing overly exciting but it’s much nicer up there than at the cottage we’re staying in.

Day 3 Last night I had a lucid dream, which is odd, because I never have lucid dreams. But I dreamt that I was dreaming and somehow I was walking past D's house. And I knew in the dream that I was supposed to keep walking because it was a dream and I had to carry on to end it. But I didn't. Instead I stopped and watched as he tried to drive a black car out of his driveway. When he saw me he stopped the car and got out. Then we started kissing and just kept kissing but somebody, I think it was one of the teachers from school kept asking me what subjects I was doing next year and I told her, which is weird, because normally I can't remember things like that in dreams. Then I was telling D that this was a dream and I had to go because I had to get back to Yorkshire before I got stuck here. Then me and him and one other person, I think it was his aunt or something were in a car about to drive up North so I could get on a train when one of my parents made a noise opening a door and I woke up. But all in all, a very strange yet realistic dream.

Today we're going to a place called Rivaulx (Reevo) Abbey. Basically just walking around some ruined buildings and some gardens and having a picnic if the weather isn't too bad. I'm really starting to miss D, I keep thinking it's Tuesday or Wednesday so it's closer to seeing him but it's only Monday and there's the whole week ahead.

Later The town we went through on the way to the abbey was really nice, lots of nice little bookshops and old fashioned food places with bread and cheese and meats. This resulted in a rather delicious picnic of tomato bread, wensleydale with cranberries, applewood smoked cheddar, stuffed peppers, dry cured ham, cherries and ginger beer. The simple things in life are best.

The abbey itself was quite nice looking but not very interesting and there was a school trip on of (I would guess) year tens that kept looking at me in a rather unfriendly manner which I did not approve of. I bought a black dress in a very cheap clothes shop in another town we stopped in on the way back, I rather like it since it unbuttons most of the way down.

Mother is becoming difficult, stressy, aggressive, irrational and jumpy. She's never been able to accept that she's not as smart as me or my dad and lately she's been getting very snappy because she can't join in conversations we have about history or philosophy. Tomorrow is York itself, which will hopefully be a good shopping trip in terms of look but don't touch, unless it's with parents money, since, as mentioned, I need to save for school.

Day 4 I had another weird dream last night, I was being forced to move schools again, even though I've already finished. For some reason V and S were with me and we agreed not to go to prom at this strange school. All very weird.

I keep falling asleep, like, all the time. Five minute car journeys are now naptime, reading makes me sleepy, everything makes me tired. It's odd, I never used to be this lazy.

Went to York today, didn't go in any shops because Mother finally clicked that I don't want to be here then started screaming at Dad for making me come and me for being unhappy about it! Stupid woman. Then she had a massive sulk. Then everyone was sulking. So today was a bit of a waste of time really.

EXCEPT D called me on his way home from school and that massively cheered me up just to hear him, and then I called him to talk properly when I got back, and that made things look better. I miss him. I've barely laughed while I've been up here, barely had conversation of any kind, I just want to go home.

Now I'm arguing with Dad about going to D's pretty much as soon as we get back. I think this would be a good way to offset the sheer misery of this waste of time holiday, Dad feels that, for some unknown reason it's not ok. He has no reasonable justification for it, he just doesn't want me to go. This demonstrates the pure childishness and irrationality that can be found in his character, almost definitely rubbed off from Mother, who isn't capable of rational thought at all.

Day 5 Halfway done, hang in there. That weird tiredness is getting worse, I feel like I haven't got any strength at all and I've only just got up. Market day today. Woop de do.

Later Today was too hot. Too hot for being alive, being in the sun, being anywhere near the sun, wearing clothes and definitely too hot for going around middle of nowhere towns in Yorkshire looking in shops that we have at home and at market produce we also have at home. Then to the one and only vetinary museum. There's a reason there's only one.

And once again, what it all came down to was money. Day 5 and my ever so clever father is starting to run out of money. The man has never heard of budgeting. Or financial planning. He's useless.

Day 6 Thursday Night is Pie Night I woke up this morning after dreaming I was at D's and opened my eyes fully expecting to be in his room. Of course, what I actually saw was my room in the holiday cottage and the realisation that there are still two more days to go wasn't a pleasant one.

But two days isn't really all that long. I'm going to make it. Wahay.

Later Went to this town that is literally built on a cliff. The roads are so steep that you can't take cars down, you have to walk. What's at the bottom? A beach covered in seaweed and flies. Really worth the walk, not. But there were some pretty cool shops selling shark jaws and fossils and carefully inflated and preserved pufferfish. But all too expensive, a small pufferfish is apparently worth £250 on today's market, which seems a bit steep for a fish to me. Also went to Whitby, where there is an awesome Gothic shop right next to the Dracula museum (didn't buy anything, too expensive or didn't quite meet my tastes) and built a sandcastle, resulting in sunburn on my neck and chest because I'm really smart and chose to forsake sun cream.

Apparently mixing up the words bayonette and baronette when talking about weapons is not forgivable.

Day 7 I'm going Home TOMORROW!!!! I cannot wait to go home. This week has basically been a string of arguments with my parents, driving up and down hills and going to places I have no interest in, with a few exceptions such as the Dracula museum. Apart from anything else, who comes to Yorkshire and doesn't go walking on the moors? It's just inconsiderate to tradition.

There are sheep wandering around everywhere up here. There's loads of 'common land' so they can just wander wherever they like within the grids.

Later Went to a huge WW2 museum. It was filled with schoolchildren. Loud ones. I don't like children as a general rule anyway. I don't know why, I don't have the maternal instinct or even any sort of parental instinct when it comes to humans. Human offspring are weak, pathetic, helpless and take longer than most other animals to become independant. What makes them worthy of years and years of devotion? They certainly don't show gratitude, and it's so clearly easy to make mistakes when raising children, as most parents seem to do. We don't seem to be able to learn from our own childhoods. Everyone knows that their parents are tyrants during their teenage yars but by the time they become parents themselves they've forgotten and seem to just make the same mistakes. Parenthood is definitely not for me.
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