Clever Darling
Right. So, I went down to family. And to tell the truth my aunt and uncle, the ones with three kids, are now the only respectable family I have. My grandmother has actually fully turned into a crazy cat lady, obsessed with her two kittens, treating them and talking to them like human children and unable to think of anything but them. It's a bit upsetting to see her thus reduced.

Otherwise though, the children are getting older and so I like them more, since they're less needy and annoying.

That's about it suppose...

D home four days...
Clever Darling
The light throws the shadows into deeper aspect. Blinding sunshine makes the dark places seem all the darker. When you flip a coin the light always runs, chased by the dark, but they need eachother to make the whole. It takes a look at the bad to appreciate the good, but then what to do with the bad? Because all anyone ever aspires to is the good. Do you run from it, hide it with more of the sunshine? Do you destroy it with more light, reflected into those dark places? What if that's not enough? What if the mirrors break, or the dark refuses to go? What if that speck of light, all that you can manage, is not enough to drive away the darkness. It takes less effort to have an absence of light than it does to make it there.

I hate the dark. Not just because I'm afraid of it.
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Clever Darling
I just realised that this is got to be just about the first time in my life I've been proud of myself and genuinely satisfied with my achievements. Normally nothing I do is good enough for me, but today I feel like I really did the best I could, even if two people in my year at school did get better results than me.
Clever Darling
Quickly: yesterday I didn't post because I did nothing but draw and read and it wasn't worth it. D left yesterday as well :(

Today: EXAM RESULTS. I got 9 A*s, 2 As (one from last years statistics course) and one B (photography, who cares), plus my distinction in Business BTEC, my BFTE in Business, two OCR's in ICT (distinctions), and my 1/3 diploma in ICT functional skills and I know I passed my ICT AS Level but I couldn't find the teacher to get the grade from her. So a pretty damn good day. After the getting results I just spent the day in town with friends. Then I had to call all the family when I got home *rolls eyes*.

No more exam worries until next year now :D
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Clever Darling
Hmm. D. Going away. Week. Not particularly happy. At least I got to see him today. Although despite cooking dinner for me he had to leave before we could eat because of his mother.

It was good though.

I'm going to miss him a lot. Too much. It feels like there's some sort of massive rope there, all dark and salt stained and covered in seaweed, like from some old pirate story. And the idea of stretching it is painful, the idea of it breaking is...unbearable. But huge old ropes are hard to carry around all the time and not everyone wants to forever. It's a stupid notion anyway, impractical. But then, when will that severing point come? I don't want it to but at the same time it has to one day.

Sticking to the present seems like the best idea.

But at present I'm moody and sulky.

And my results are out in two days. And I'm anxious. And that's probably why I'm moody and sulky.
Clever Darling
I just found out I have books to read before term starts. College didn't tell me, it's just on the website if you happen to go on there >:(

Very few characters in fiction annoy me more than one of the characters in the recommended reading book: Atonement by Ian McEwan. Briony Tallis is a lying, manipulative nosey bitch of a character who poisonously ruins the lives of her sister and the man her sister loves without even caring what she is doing at age thirteen. Why any writer would come up with a character so utterly enraging is beyond me. That I may have to study the book makes me possibly more annoyed, because despite it's almost crude references to sex and sexuality, and it's interesting historical fiction basis, I hate the absolute futility of the plot. It's too similar to real life. Just because there's no real happily ever after doesn't mean you should utterly decimate the ones in fiction.
Clever Darling
I love you really, I promise, I only neglected you for one day.


Well, it wasn't a D-less day *inside party* because he could come to the BBQ my parents had in the evening and then he dragged me back to his for the night so it was rather loverly really. AND he's not going on holiday now AND the puppies and the kittens are now beyond adorable and I must eat them.

AND what else...erm...tomorrow I must chillax. And read. And be cheerful. Oh, and I got the Kerrang Album 2009 :D

And that's it really...exam results in THREE DAYS!!! AHHHHHH

P.S. A binturong is : a type of nocturnal wildcat native to Asia.
Clever Darling
I keep doing this weird cough thing, I've been doing it for the last two days. Cough cough, can't breathe, cough, cough. It's like a smoker's cough but I don't smoke! It's really horrible and it hurts :'(

One of my mates from school is in hospital, has been since Thursday and they still don't know what's wrong with her! Bloody people! There are only two doctors in the hospital all weekend apparently. Quite ridiculous really.

It occured to me last night when I was at a barbecue at my dad's friend's house, that my mother is almost as terrible a flirt as I am. She flirts so much with my dad's friends! It's really bad, and they're never single so imagine it must make their partners a bit uncomfortable, well, if they feel threatened by overweight greying codependant lunatics that is. Not that I don't get on with my mother, but she's not the kind of person I'd choose as a friend exactly.

And today shall be another D-less day. I haven't seen him since Thursday after S's party because he's got stupid coursework and apparently I'm unusual in that I sit down and do an entire piece of coursework in one afternoon. But then I'm am amazing, or maybe I'm just a workaholic...

God, it's only four days until exam results. I'm terrified. It's sounds stupid, but I really don't want to get any B's, because then I won't be straight A's/A*'s like I want to be. But I think I'm probably going to get a B in photography and that really sucks. Grrr.

On the upside D's holiday still isn't booked to my knowledge.
Clever Darling
Self explanatory.
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Clever Darling
The title isn't an invitation to tie me up and beat me, it's from a song, as per usual :P

I opened a fortune cookie on facebook and it said: "Your present plans are going to succeed."
Then it occured to me I don't have any present plans. I mean, yeah, I've got all my usual plans about my future and my career and everything, but they're not really what I would call present because they're for so far into the future. I plan to get excellent exam results but it's a bit late for that plan to be succeeding because it's all marked now and we're just waiting.

Yes I do realise that it's just a stupid virtual fortune cookie.

As far as everything else goes I just seem to be winging it. I'm busy all the time, all over the place, I make plans on the spur of the moment, do whatever I feel like and keep meeting people who I ask to marry me. My present plans are to get dressed, clean out the rabbit and go to a barbecue tonight. I feel a bit goal-less really. I think it's about time for me to get back to school. :S
Clever Darling

S's birthday. Pretty epic really. Everyone met up at the train station, before I knew it we were wearing shiny party hats and sitting in a park in town. I'm not sure how much alcohol was there because I had virtually none of it, but there was quite a lot. Unfortunately I ended up getting stung by a wasp about four times because P was sitting between my legs and she just happened to lean over at the wrong time and squashed it into my leg, so it attacked and even though I was wearing tights it got me four times in the same spot, and left the sting in. So I had to run behind a tree, remove my shorts and tights and investigate, only to find I couldn't get the barb out, then I had to go into town, and buy tweezers to try and get it out. I got most of it but it still bloody well stings >:(

Incidentally, I also pulled P again, a few times. Technically she pulled me, since it's always her that starts it. She's using me at the moment as practice, not sure if that's insulting or not, but I think not. Anyway, after a few hours we made our way back to S's house, his parents cooked us a barbecue, everyone totally failed at putting tents up, so we ended up sleeping on the lounge floor.

The stars were pretty.

At about 1am everyone except me, two guys and another girl decided to leave and go to Tesco's to get some food, so we sat in S's lounge and discussed violation by pineapple and cucumber and I repeatedly asked a guy I'd never met before called B to marry me, to which he repeatedly said no, much to my dismay.

Then everyone came back and shortly after we all went to sleep, me wrapped up in D's arms, and other couples scattered around the room. I say sleep, I think I went to sleep for maybe two hours if I was lucky before everyone was awake and watching teletubbies, or blues clues or something like that. Apparently that's what happens when B gets the remote. Then S's parents made us clean everything, and after a while C's mum gave him a lift home, dropping D and me off at D's on the way.


Now, D was supposed to be working on school stuff yesterday. Instead he crashed and went to sleep all afternoon. I gave up trying to move him after a while and joined him :D (By the way, the puppies are all small and grunty and adorable, and my kittens are at their cutest stage now: small, open eyes, squeaky and all tiny claws).

When I finally got home all I had the energy to do was have a shower and play my new lego star wars game for about an hour before sleeping for twelve hours solid. And here I am now :D

Oh, and I just realised it's less than a week until exam results are out. PANIC!
Clever Darling
I went into the city today with loads of people and it was really fun :D

Anyway, more importantly, something very strange has occured. After that weirdness where I was all angry and sulky last week I suddenly find that I'm all really love love to D again now, like I was before, but more appreciative of it now because it went away for a bit. It's very odd. But also rather nice. Although I do wonder if that I've gone from being a bit distant to suddenly too full on.

AND it's suddenly started really annoying me that D flirts with other people a lot. I mean, I know it means nothing, but when he's saying about pulling other people at parties and stuff it just annoys it should...even though I pulled P quite a lot. But that was only one day and I was drunk. So yeah. And he got me back for that anyway.


Yeah, I think that's it for now...
Clever Darling
Today I managed to get D here about 2pm (which is really late, the lazy bastardo!) and then P and S came round and it was all fun times and I had a minor problem with my mum because D's mum decided to start shit-stirring but I covered it up with a complex and simple lie and hopefully all will be well now. At least she didn't tell my Dad things...rawr. She has no right to go messing with my life just because their parent-child relationship is crap. My parents and I have generally good relationships and her going jeopardising that just because they had an argument...ARGH.

I think I get D for the night tonight. Yays, party times.
Clever Darling
Yes, I'm home.

Now, I was under the impression that my laptop had a serious problem because I couldn't access wireless down at my nan's or at my sister's with it. But now I'm home it's working fine. WEIRD laptop.

Hen night: Fun. Dinner was great, went to two bars afterwards before I had to leave because they were going into ID only clubs, but the bars were both really good, one played great music and one did amazing cocktails :D I was quite surprised, and this is going to sound mean, but I expected my sister's friends to be all young looking and pretty like her, and one or two were, but loads of them were old and fat and ugly and it was really odd. It made me feel pretty damn sexy, especially in the bars :D

I missed D so much. The puppies were apparently born while I was gone so I'll be invading his house tomorrow in order to touch, love and admire every single one of them. Plus there's the kittens to touch, love and admire too. But I think there's something else to do the above to first... :D

God it's good to be home. I'm going to enjoy sleeping in my own bed. Last night sleeping at my sister's was nicer than my nan's, but the room was all stuffy and my sister's friend was sleeping between me and the window so I couldn't open it. I was only asleep for about four hours but I've felt stuffy all day :( I don't want swine flu.

Erm mother has stolen my rabbit! She's bribed him into loving her while I've been away! I must win him back...
Clever Darling
So the internet crashed shortly after I got here because of a network issue and was out for over 24 hours, and my nan is too thick to understand that a) it wasn't because I accessed facebook on her internet that it crashed and b) if your internet crashes, there is nothing wrong with your new laptop. Stupid fucking woman.

Plus there's like, no decent food here, and the walls are so thin that you can't make any noise at all doing anything withoutn being heard, particularly a problem when I'm trying to sleep in the morning and my nan is doing, well, whatever it is she does, cleaning things....

Plus MY laptop appears to have picked up a virus or something and is refusing to work at all, meaning I can't talk to people at night etc.

*sigh* It's my sister's hen night tonight, which should be fun, but I just want it to be tomorrow so I can go home, do whatever I like, eat biscuits and sleep in a room with a FAN because it gets HOT in the tiny little room I'm staying in and I keep waking up in the middle of the night because I'm COOKING to death. I think I should be seasoned lightly with salt and honey glaze, baked for three hours and served with asparagus, sweetcorn and mashed potato.

And another thing. My skin hates the water here. It's got so much calcium in it that it feels like washing with sea water. I'm trying to keep my hair away from it as much as possible except when necessary but it's going to take weeks to recover.

One last thing: A week after I get home, D is probably going away, for two weeks. I'm going to die. What am I supposed to do with almost no contact at all with him for two weeks? And then when he gets back, school starts for him. Then a week later school starts for me. So this coming week will probably be our last week of the summer. And that just sucks.
Clever Darling
Can't be bothered to post.

Spent all day on coaches, tired, headachey, miss D.

Sometimes you look out the window and wonder: why has that woman got two jack russells in a wheelbarrow?
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Clever Darling
Today was a long day, like I said it would be, but not in the way I thought. Everything was fine until the point that I realised R's younger brother was joining us, and he is waaaaay too young mentally and physically to be in contact with so much alcohol. But that was just a little thing, right?

And then some chavs I don't know show up because they know R's brother. And then lots of people drink too much, and R's little brother gets very very drunk. As does his chav friend, who gets very angry and violent. And the lack of dignity shown by some people when drunk was quite pathetic. And then D runs off and leaves me just because some more cider arrives, which even as a joke, when I'm going away tomorrow, was, well, annoying.

So R's mum gets called to come get his little brother. And he's in the car. At this point we are ten minutes from my house, D has arranged to stay at a mate's for the night and the only person that D was responsible for, because he was so young, is no longer around. But D decides that he's obliged to take home this violent, chavvish pissed piece of shit guy who followed us. And then we have to go to somebody else's house to check on them. And all I want is to go home, and it would have been nice to be able to say goodbye properly. Instead I end up walking home on my own through the shitty part of town.

When I get back from holiday I'm locking the door to my house and staying inside and everyone else can just die.


I feel somewhat better now. Surprisingly, talking to one of my less realistic friends has made me feel better. She actually made me realise that maybe I take things a bit too seriously sometimes. I'm not saying that today wasn't crap, but maybe sometimes I expect too much from D, and other people, and even me. I'm too young to take life so seriously perhaps. But I don't know how not to.
Clever Darling
So I barely slept at D's last night for some reason, and then he dragged me to Cambridge today, which really wasn't all that exciting. It was better than being at home, but most of my amusement from the day came from annoying D, which seems a bit sad really. But I found MILO!!!!!! I'm so happy! I've been looking for it for 3 years. (It's like ovaltine mixed with hot chocolate but waaaaay better). Yays.

And then when I got home I had to madly and speedily clean the rabbit hutch out, have a shower and get my stuff sorted packing wise, because I'm out tomorrow and I'm going away Wednesday. But fear not, I shall have internet the whole time I'm away this time! *inside party*

Tomorrow I have to get up early, go to the doctors to renew my prescription, walk to H's to get some books, walk to town to get my prescription, then sit around and wait for everyone to show up for manhunt in the afternoon. It's going to be a looooong day.
Clever Darling
Quick catch up: Yesterday pretty much all I did was read but...I FINISHED THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME!! I feel it was a great achievement but it was really sad at the end. And then I read My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult and that was really sad too and made me cry as well. Damn books. So now I want to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies but I can't get a full copy anywhere and owwwwww I just got a really sudden pain in my stomach and that's weird, usually I only get them in the middle of the night...No idea why, just a weird thing that happens.

Anyway, so yeah. I was reading in the garden yesterday and the rabbit started eating my book, so I moved it away and he started eating me instead :D Cheeky animal.

Today, I was going to go to P's tonight but D couldn't, and for some reason his mum decided after they'd had a fight to come to mine and invite me over for the night. Very very odd. And then a while after I got here P's ex, who we'll call something other than R because it's too confusing...erm...let's go with...Psycho. Hehe. Anyway, he shows up at my house looking for me. He's never done that before, it's like a 40 minute walk to mine from his. Today has been very confusing.
Clever Darling
D decided to come to mine yesterday but then missed the train (mwahahha) so I had to go get him with mum. Then...well, I don't know if it really counts as an argument or not. I got all angry and kept trying to hit him but he just kept stopping me and laughing at me. I don't really know what I was doing. I think I was just trying to get some sort of response out of him because he's been getting worse and worse lately. But it doesn't work.

And then he got all freaked out or something and started telling P he needed her help, which just made me feel angrier and embarassed because, well, I don't actually know. I don't like people seeing me when I'm upset. It makes me feel kinda weak and exposed and I don't like that. I'm a very strong person most of the time and I don't want people to think otherwise just because of one moment of weakness.

So what did I do? I made angry cake of course. Made me feel lots better. It came out awfully but shhh.

Then we went to S's house and P was there in the evening. And that was just generally very relaxing, just watching a movie and not doing much.

But the conclusion is nonetheless that maybe I'm not as strong in some ways as I thought I was. But I hate giving up, and it's not often that I give up on anything. Rawr.
Clever Darling
Good afternoon. I just got up and its gone 12:30 :D Possibly this is because I stayed up until gone 2:30am. Even though I was really tired all day I suddenly got not tired last night and stayed up talking to people and playing solitaire because I'm really cool.

It'd be nice to go just one day without having whatever calm or happy mood I'm in blown away by D being angry. I've resorted to just ignoring it now but if this goes on much longer I'm going to be ignoring him completely.

In other news: my dad is going to a beer festival today. My school fees are all going to be coming in in a month and dad is going to a beer festival. Of all the stupid pointless mindless fuckwitted things to do. 'Oh yeah, I'll cover them all, and then I'll buy you a new iPod as well when you get your exam results!' became 'I'll cover the fees, but not an iPod, but I'll give mum the iPod money and she'll add to it and get you a new laptop' and that will soon become 'Mum's covering everything, talk to her'. I don't care who pays as long as it gets payed, it's the bullshit that annoys me.

I'm going to build a little bubble, with lots of nice things inside. And then I'm going to get in the bubble. And then everybody in the entire world will leave me the hell alone apart from to pass in food and reading material.
Clever Darling
So going out with mum today wasn't so bad. It was nice not to think about friends or anything for a whiel, but I'm really tired. I got an awesome pair of shoes with gnomes all over them and a bible so I can annotate the stupid parts for future reference. I also finally found a copy of Ovid's Amores but at £16.99 I couldn't get it >:(

I also got a phone call as soon as I walked in the door from one of D's friends asking if I was still out because D was pissed and needed taking care of. We are not amused.
Clever Darling
But I'm very good at hiding it. There are few people on this earth I actually give a shit about. And fewer than the people close to me think.

I think I'm on the edge again, of not being able to cope with everyone around me. Is this how it's going to be now? Every couple of weeks I break down because everything is just too much? Apparently one shit day is all it takes. D had a mood swing, my parents both had a go at me for not washing up ONE PLATE even though I did all the other housework before I went out earlier >:( Dad's still pissed at me because he had a shit day and that's what he does. Talking to my old friends when its just them around is apparently to much for me, my laptop headphone jack no longer works so I can't listen to music on here anymore. God today sucks.

And then tomorrow apparently loads of people are going into the city but D said earlier that it was just a few people going and that he didn't want me to go (another bad thing that happened today) but now everyone's going but mum wants me to go out with her and I never get to go out properly with mum anymore because she works but she's not exactly fun...

Clever Darling
Today was SO FUN.

I got drunk, I pulled P, who I've wanted to get with for months, I pulled her lots, hell yes. I walked around town in a bra and jeans and then I went back to P's with D and C (male C, not female C) and S and this other girl also called C lol. Very confusing. I need to think up better ways of identifying people. Anyway, so yeah, S and female C got it on AGAIN even though S is with someone, everyone ended up at least a bit naked and it was just REALLY FUN :D

Unfortunately I cut myself playing on the Wii at one point and also hurt my ankle, but I don't know when or how, it just hurts now I'm home. Weird.

I don't think D was very happy about me pulling P. He went and pulled at least one other girl. But for some reason this doesn't actually bother me, which is a bit worrying really. And also the fact that it really wouldn't bother me if he had sex with P (although I'd expect to after lol) seems weird. People in relationships are supposed to care. I don't know, maybe it's just the alcohol, even though I haven't had any for hours and hours and I've been sober for ages now.

We'll discuss this more in the morning.

(8) I kissed a girl and I liked it...(8)
Clever Darling
So...oh right. Yesterday. What happened yesterday...I went to D's and there were 7 adorable kittens and he had to physically drag me away from them. Yeah :D And I also spent a considerable amount of time making sure D lost a videogame against his brother just for my own amusement. I'm so evil.

Also, R spoke to me for the first time since all that mess last night. Keep it simple, on the surface, casual gossip. And whatever you do don't tell him you still resent him to the very core of your soul. Don't do that. Try and stay calm.

I did, by the way. Just spoke to him calmly and briefly.

I absolutely HAVE to finish Notre Dame de Paris. I'm so sick of reading it and I refuse to give up. I'm about halfway through. Damn book. I might go sit with the rabbbit and read or something...
Clever Darling
I know I'm OCD about writing, but come on people! Do I have to fill my dashboard up on my own?!! I want blog posts damnit. I want to read minute and personal details of people's lives. Why? Because I'm a nosey bitch, that's why!

I know I post a LOT but that's because I live in the middle of nowhere and apart from going of Mice and Men on your arse and spending all my timetending the rabbit, I don't have a lot else to do :P

Plus I have a really interesting life. Mwahahahaha. And I write amazingly, with excellent grammar and very few typos. Which really piss me off btw, reading stuff with obvious spelling mistakes actually makes me physically angry. Unless it's somebody I really like writing it. In which case I might politely (like I've ever been polite in my life) point out the mistakes. Or jsut ignore them. Rawr.

I think I'm hyper. I need to go and wake up mah wabbit before I go to D's where, I have it on good authority, MY DEMON KITTEN MINIONS ARE HERE!!!! MWAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Toodle-o for now :D
Clever Darling
I am cold. I am very cold. I am rain-soaked. I have spent the evening out under an umbrella, next to a barbeque. It was still cold. I then walked home with particularly cold and wet feet from the holes in my shoes. And my road is scary at night. There aren't street lights for a long patch. I was afraid and I'm never doing that walk on my own. And there were lots of slugs and lots of snails. And they are scary. And slimy. And you couldn't see them until it was too late. Ugh.

In other news: nothing. I read some more of Notre Dame De Paris and got some imported Orange Cream Soda. That's about it.

Oh, and I love that rabbit far more than is healthy. He's too adorable to be real.

Ha! I went an entire post without mentioning D. That's a first. Wait, I just did, damnit. I could use him to warm me up right now...