Clever Darling
I had a very weird dream last night. Basically some long haired lunatic was trying to kill me. I had no idea why, it was some sort of long term obsession he had. He made the lounge curtains fly open and it was dark outside and he was there. Then he broke the back window of Mum's car or something, and eventually he was in my bedroom with lots of dynamite connected to some candles I had to blow out to stop the explosion. Which I did. But he didn't seem to have any ultimate goal or conviction. Anyway, I woke up shortly after that, heart beating like mad, and that wasn't long before my alarm went off at 5.

That's right, 5. Why? Because in half an hour I'm off to Romania. Mwaahah. See you in a few days darlings.
Clever Darling
1. When your students are off school for a week, it is logical to set them work to do in that time.
2. When you have a week in which to do work, the work is relatively easy to get done.
3. Without the week to do the work, it becomes hard.

4. Therefore, doing all my half term work this week, in addition to my normal homework, is hard.

Two nights this week I've written two essays and done at least one other piece of homework in one evening. It's rather absurd.

But at least I won't have to take school work to Romania, that'd be a nightmare.

I'm going to Romania in about 36 hours. Mwahahahha.
Clever Darling
Good evening my darling ones.

I have little to verbalise on my current educational situation, and I suspect that it may be less than titillating to readers to experience minute details of my everyday life at college anyway. Furthermore, college has all been work work work and therefore there's nothing new to say BUT I've finally shaken off start of term drowsiness and now have the energy needed to survive the day safely, just in time to go to Romania and exhaust my energy supplies utterly.

I got all my GCSE Photography Coursework back yesterday. Looking through it, I'm quite proud of what I achieved really. It was my lowest grade GCSE at a B but I love some of the stuff I created and I don't mind the less than wonderful grade because I did enjoy the class...sort of. And that stage was pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself. Spending ten hours INSIDE a huge box writing on the walls anything I can think to say about my life is a pretty good way to spend an exam if I do say so myself. Plus, I'll tell you a secret. Come close, no, closer, little more, there you go. The roof of my photography stage, it talks about how upset I was at the time, it was just after I broke up with R you see. I don't think anybody's read it since I wrote it.

Er...what else...
TWO DAYS UNTIL ROMANIA LIKE OMG YAY I'M SO EXCITED

I believe that summarises everything important...
Clever Darling
Fine Tilly, have it your way.

Well. Obviously I was rather seriously ill last week, Monday, Thursday and Friday off college, god knows how much I've missed but it won't exactly take me long to catch up. Except for Maths I guess. The thing is, yes, I'm doing a lot of work, but that's all it seems to be, work. Am I learning anything new in my English based subjects? Classics I'm certainly not, it's all stuff I already know, English Literature, how to analyse is hardly something I need to learn, if I don't know by now there's something wrong with me, and Philosophy. That one's harder. The terminology is new, the format, but really, it's just thinking, and that's not new to anyone, or at least it shouldn't be.

Unfortuntately it seems it is to some people. It's disappointing to me when I realise that people I once valued and liked are nowhere near as valuable as I thought they were, that they haven't had the wisdom, or the maturity to be the best they can be. My sister, for instance. When I was much younger I used to idolise her, as many do with their siblings. Then she tried to overdose on paracetamol because her worthless money stealing arsehole boyfriend dumped her. And she's a Christian. The lack of original and independant thought indicated by both of those choices ruined my idol for me, although of course I still love my sister. Others too, the old best friend who is now a manic depressive, another who had so much potential, but now she's just a chav who's going to waste her life just the way her parents showed her how to. Everyone we ever meet has huge potential to do something amazing, something incredible with their lives and it seems that almost none of them utilise this and fulfil their potential. There is no failure except in no longer trying.

I suppose that's the motivation I need to carry on. Failure isn't a word I ever want to apply to myself. Because failing in my own eyes would be the equivalent of committing the greatest sin if I were a Christian. I was talking to someone the other day, and she said that it was obvious that I was ambitious, and that I seemed very goal based. That's not true. It seems true. But it's not. There is only one goal, and that is to try. Try everything, attempt all, be everything you can possibly be because then you know you have done your very best to make the best of life and fulfil your potential. Yes, I have goals. Those goals are based on what I enjoy, what I think will be interesting and what will give me opportunities. Opportunities for pleasure, experiences, and, cliched as it might seem, remembrance. The Romans prized being remembered after death, honour and glory, above all, and since our lives are so fleeting in the grand scheme of things, what better goal to have?
Clever Darling
I think I'm going through one of those phases where there's just no motivation to do anything at all. It's really inconvenient and I need to get over it.

But as it is, I don't really feel any motivation to write you a post :P
Clever Darling
I haven't been posting because I feel like shit, I still feel like shit, laters.
Clever Darling
So yeah, off school again today, even though I had Friday off, because I seem to have picked up a stomach bug somewhere. Woke up Sunday morning feeling crappy but kept it controlled most of the day because I was out with D. But as soon as he'd left last night it just got worse >:(

On the upside I got to sleep today. And tidy up my school stuff so I'm ready to do the craploads I'm going to get when I go back tomorrow, since I have no choice but to go back, no matter how ill I feel.

Erm, I suppose I should go over the wedding a bit but I can't really be bothered. It wasn't exactly a standard wedding, my sister enjoyed it very much. It didn't realy feel all that wedding-y I guess, because there were so few people and she didn't have the white dress or the church...it felt more like a party of some sort. Which it was really. The food was very good but I'm not sure if it was that that's made me feel ill or not. The cake wasn't very good though, my aunt made it and it tasted a bit plastic-like.

So that's all I have to say really. Fresher's ball on Thursday and I still don't know what I'm going to wear.
Clever Darling
IOU an update when I get home.

Wedding good, bit weird, details in near future.

Kidnapped by D for night yesterday, going shopping in Norwich today with him. I shall dress him in pink mwahahahaha.
Clever Darling
I have sooo much schoolwork to do. Well, finish maths, english and classics. shouldn't really take that long I guess but it feels like a lot. Especially the English.

Anyway. So today my sister is getting married. And I've got like none of the stuff I need to get ready because I forgot half of it and came down here straight from school. Grrrr.

*yawn*

There shall be more, like, tomorrow, most likely.
Clever Darling
Ignore the title.

Today I went to school. Yeah, you didn't see that coming. I also had an injection. And from about five minutes afterwards for a solid hour or so it felt like a bee was stinging me. Bastard bee.

I also popped over to D's having less homework to do. All we did was watch a Clockwork Orange (theoretically a modern great, but I'm not sure if I prefer the book or not. In the book you feel more involved because you really learn the language...)

Tomorrow is my last day of the school week :D I'm going to Hastings the second school finishes to go to my sister's wedding on Friday. And guess what? On Friday, I should get a LAY IN!!!! OMG YAY!!!
Clever Darling
Yesterday was a bit rubbish after the rubbish start. I went to college, went to classes, did some work, and that's about it. I sniffed a lot.

Oh, and my shoes have massive holes in. And it rained yesterday. My feet were very cold and very wet.

D came round in the evening but I wasn't in a great mood, two big lots of homework in one day and he was there so I couldn't get it done. It's not that I didn't want to see him, I just would rather have seen him AFTER the work was done. As it was I was snapping at him and getting all stressy and I just had to give up on the work, which leaves even more for me to do tonight. Joy of joys.

At least I get Friday off college this week. The concept of a potential lay in on Friday or Saturday or Sunday is positively blissful. I haven't spent one day just relaxing since school started. It'd be really nice just to spend this weekend doing nothing, but there's schoolwork, and D. So I guess that's not going to work.
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Clever Darling
You know, I slept really well last night, and when I woke up, I didn't feel too ill. And then my mother started irritating me because she was yelling at me because she has to get up and take me to the station, because Dad's ill. Somehow, that's my fault. And then my brother, who's closer to 30 than 20, decided to start annoying me by moving things around in the kitchen and generally being annoying, because that's what he's been doing since he was about 12. He's never got in trouble for it I don't think, because everytime it's ever been a fight between me and one of the others, they win. It doesn't bother me, they were the planned children, the ones she wanted, their dad was her first love, etc etc, but why can't she like me the same? Is it really so difficult not to block out every single word I say when they're around? She's never normally so rude.
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Clever Darling
Well, today basically failed.

I did my Philosophy homework, but then forgot everything I'd read, so I did really badly in class today, I also had English Lit first, and I hate it >:( Then Maths, which was fine, then Classics, which was also fine but not spectacular, then tutorial, and we finished half an hour early, but then I had to stand around because my tutor is too stupid to remember what I told her last week and just sign the bloody form.

GRRR

Then R and J were having a marital behind me up the road, swearing loads, but they haven't broken up, to my displeasure. Then I had to trudge swiftly around Cambridge because I HAD to get a dress for my sister's wedding on Friday and Mum got all stressy with me and I've got a cold and still feel crap but can't take time off college because I'm taking Friday off...

Anything else?
Well...I was going to say something about religion, because I saw some really pretty Muslim girls with those stupid fucking saris on today. How can they willingly subjet themselves to a life where they're treated as inferior and property? Its medieval, even barbaric! I don't think I could ever be friends with a Muslim purely on their outdated and absurd principles.

And because it's important to mention D in every post, I want D. Partly because I was quite lonely most of the day today, partly because nobody's company is as good as his, partly because I won't see him Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday. But mostly because I know he had a crap day and needs cuddles. That's how altruistic I am.
Clever Darling
Welcome to the superfast summary of my life.

Friday

1. School, long, boring, snore. However, I did have fun hanging out with Claire and Manwhore during my free, and then D came along after school and we hung out in Cambridge for a while. It got kinda boring when Claire and Jesus started making out and Manwhore found some blond whore so D and I left.

2. D, my house, night. Happy. AND we slept all night in the same bed, which is one hell of a leniency on my parents part. And it was pretty damn nice. Although D grinds his teeth massively and kept waking me up kissing me and telling me he loved me hehe.

Saturday

1. Didn't really do anything. Had D all day, slept a bit

2. Dad had a poker night and my brother arrived from New Zealand. D and I played but then we were too tired so we dealt out and went to bed. Again, same room, all night, but I was really ill so D slept on my sofa bed, partly because that's where he crashed I think :D

Today

1. Had polite discussion about who hallucinates more. I forgot a chunk of Friday night apparently. He forgot waking up in the middle of Saturday night and me asking him to come over into my bed because I was freezing.

2. Went to food festival, ate lots.

3. *Cough* that damn cold has finally caught me. Bloody thing.
Clever Darling
Hm...interesting....
Well, isn't it interesting the amount of power other people have over our happiness?
Friends, or people who pretend to be, they get little bits of us, that they can damage us with, and then the ones you can't trust take those bits and fuck you over.
The very concept of friendship makes us weaker, but the world we live in means we almost have to form social relationships and attachments and let people in because then they trust us and give back.
And then they hurt us, we hurt them, we fall apart, we get back together, we break and mend over and over and over and over...
But what's there to do?

I'm making new friends and strengthening relationships every day at the moment. Almost all new ones. And I wonder how many of them will be worthwhile, which ones I will pursue. At the moment there seems to be so much potential, and it seems I have the freedom to choose.

But then, they're still there. They're still holding me back. The bitches who have been hurting me for their pleasure for a long time now.
Yes, I could attack them. But what good would that do? They have ammunition against me, they could damage me too, and then I'd have to live with that stupid petty social hate hanging over me.
It's easier to just purposely drift away.
And that's what I'm doing.

Maybe my approach to problems is cowardly, to stay in control, to let things be, but I prefer a smooth life. Then I can focus on what really matters.