Clever Darling
To attempt to describe how I feel is entirely impossible. But for the sake of catharsis it's worth a try.
On the one hand, there is the fact that I am now definitely, absolutely, unstoppably, going to Oxford University. The expectation and joy that produces are huge. To have finally achieved what I've been working towards for years is wonderful.
On the other hand, I've lost my relationship, the person I have loved for over two years, my best friend, and thus the person I would normally take comfort in when things go wrong. So not only do I have to deal with the immeasurable pain of not being with D anymore, I have to deal with it almost entirely alone because of my own reluctance to make friends with anybody who is short of fantastic. I feel empty, miserable and alone. The emotional pain of this completely outweighs the thought of October, although presently I think that's all that's keeping me together. To know that I can't call, or text, or speak to, no more waking up in the morning with arms around me, nobody to cuddle up to on the sofa. Everywhere I look there are reminders, although I've put all the photos and the scrapbook of tickets and memories away so I don't have to look at them. My pets remind me of you, because you gave me my rabbit. My clothes remind me of you because I never buy them without your approval. My room reminds me of you because of all the time we've spent together there. My bed. I don't know what to do. I know that in time, when I start university and I'm busy again, I will probably be ok. But right now all I can do is sit at home and think about how you're not there and it's the worst I've ever felt about anything. There's no chance this time of it all coming out ok and this being just a little fight. I'm leaving and you don't want me anymore. That's it. I'll never visit your house to be jumped all over by your enthusiastic dogs again. I'll never call or text you late at night to make sure you're home safe again. I'll never kiss you again. Never hold you. Never lie next to you stroking your back and shoulders. Never nestle into the part of your shoulder that just seems to fit me perfectly. Every comforting, social part of my life has been ripped away with your loss. Not only that, but I have to live alone now knowing that you are out there, with other people, having fun, maybe finding someone else to love. Someone else that will be captivated by your charm, your smile, maybe they'll see something in you that's trapped underneath, like I did, and try to help you get it out. The trouble is, you don't want it to come out. You don't ever want to grow up, to take responsibility, to do anything seriously. You want to live like a child forever. You want to drink, to smoke, to party, and to do very little else. The fact that you look like a man on the outside has, I suppose, tricked me into treating you like one. Loving you like one. But that's not right, it doesn't fit you. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my mistake.
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